


The Good, The Bad, and The Dirty

by analester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blowjobs, Bullying, Drunk Sex, Enemies to Lovers, FWB, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Rough Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, bottom!Phil, handjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-07 23:12:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11633919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/analester/pseuds/analester
Summary: "if you wanna start a fight, you better throw the first punch, make it a good one.and if you wanna make it through the night, you better say my name likethe good, the bad, and the dirty."or alternatively, a high school au in which dan and phil used to be best friends and are now enemies that hate each other's guts until it becomes something a little more complicated than they thought.





	1. Chapter 1

Dan can hear that stupid, obnoxious laugh from down the hallway getting louder and closer. He inwardly cringes before shoving the rest of his books into his backpack, moving to walk away from the sound, praying to whatever entity that may be out there that Phil Lester will not give him any attention.

But the world isn’t quite on his side this morning, he finds that within two steps away from his locker that he is too late. 

“Hey, Howell!” a deep voice calls after him, making Dan flinch and freeze in his tracks. His hands grip his backpack straps tightly, his knuckles turning white and his jaw clenching tight.

He finds himself doing that a lot more ever since Phil started torturing him. His mum says he’s going to ruin his jaw if he kept clenching it, but Dan really couldn’t care less. She’ll never understand why he and Phil stopped being friends, and he stopped trying to get her to understand a long time ago. Everyone always tends to side with Phil anyways, so he doesn’t even think the effort is worth it. 

Dan turns on his heels to face Phil, his face changing from anger to annoyance. He raises one eyebrow and shifts his weight to one side, arms folded across his chest. He takes a deep breath before turning around and speaking, knowing he’s going to regret giving Phil the attention he is seeking. His whole demeanour changes in a matter of seconds when Phil was around. Since their _incident_ , everything had changed for the worst, including his usual laid back attitude. He can’t help but hate himself a little bit more for letting it affect him this much.

He rolls his eyes as he sees Phil standing there with his arm around some chick, smirking as if he’s on top of the world. He technically is, given that he’s popular, making him well liked and known amongst everyone, and a nerd, getting good grades and standing high in class rankings. He has it all and he isn’t afraid to show it. 

Girls and guys fall to his feet left and right, and Dan almost feels bad for the girl on Phil’s arm because he knows Phil is going to toss her to the side once he’s done with her. Everyone knows the reputation Phil has around the school, and yet he still has a new person on arm as if he did nothing wrong.

“You need anything, _Lester_?” Dan asks, sass laced in his tone. The irritation comes through his voice very obviously, just like it always does when he’s around Phil. 

“No, not really. Just letting you know that you’re an arse,” Phil laughs, shoving past Dan, knocking Dan’s bag to the floor. 

“What the fuck was that for?” Dan gritted out, turning around to keep Phil’s attention, “Pick it up, you douchebag.”

“Not if you’re gonna keep calling me these names, shit head,” Phil replies, starting to walk away before he was being pushed to the ground. “What the fu—“

The boy is cut off when Dan punches him square in the jaw.

“Now you’re in for it,” Phil growls, hands lunging to Dan’s hair to yank the boy away from him, rolling them over so that he’s now on top of Dan. He quickly stands up and kicks Dan in the side.

Dan groans in pain, clutching his stomach to catch his breath. He glares up through his fringe, and for a second, Phil is scared. He barely has time to do anything about it though because then Dan’s standing up and lunging at Phil to grip his shoulders, squeezing hard as he tries to push Phil away. Phil stumbles, but quickly stands his ground and continues to pummel Dan as best as he can with his fists. 

They become too occupied with fighting that they don’t realise the group of kids crowding around them, chanting their names and encouraging them to keep going.

They don’t even notice as the headmistress of the school cuts through the crowd, hovering over them as they continued to fight. They only stop when the crowd goes quiet and the headmistress clears her throat, eyes narrowing at the two boys. 

“My office. Now,” she says sternly. Dan and Phil reluctantly pull away from each other, both of them glaring at each other as they brush off their uniforms and follow their headmaster to her office.

-

“This is the third consecutive day that you guys have gotten in a physical fight. What is wrong with you two?” the headmistress asks, raising a perfectly plucked eyebrow expectantly.

Dan snorts at that and shoots a glance at Phil, “I think the real question is, what is wrong with Phil over here.”

He juts his thumb in Phil’s direction and Phil almost growls. 

Instead, Phil resorts to rolling his eyes, “Please, Dan was the one who started it this time. He jumped on me and pushed me to the ground!”

“But that was after you called me an arse and knocked my backpack off of my shoulders!”

“Well if you weren’t bothering me in the first place, then we wouldn’t even have this problem!”

“Me bothering you in the first place?! Listen, you sack of piss-“

Their headmistress clears her throat and shoots them sharp glares, effectively making them both shut up.

“First of all, watch your language, both of you. And secondly, this is exactly what I mean, boys. Obviously there is unresolved tension between you two and neither of you are doing anything to fix it. Do you really think that fighting and calling each other names will solve anything?”

Dan and Phil stay silent, both of them trying their hardest not to show annoyance. They know fighting’s not going to solve anything, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to stop. 

Their headmistress huffs, “I guess I have no choice. It’s going to be detention for the next two months.”

“Two months? What the fuck? Surely that’s illegal!” Dan yells, standing from his chair and face turning red. 

The headmistress narrows her eyes at Dan, “Now it’s three months for swearing at the headmistress. Be glad I’m not suspending you both from constantly bringing violence into my school.”

Dan and Phil gape at the headmistress, too afraid to say anything else. 

“If I see you back here tomorrow, I’ll add another week. Do I make myself clear?”

The two boys reluctantly nod their heads and exit the office. 

“This is all your fault,” Dan mutters, trudging towards his last class of the day. 

Phil scoffs, hands shaking to throw another punch at Dan, but holding back. This wasn’t even his fault. Sure, he antagonised Dan by calling him names, but Dan was the one who started the fight and he was the one who swore at their headmistress. He really shouldn’t have been punished the same way as Dan. 

“Watch your mouth, Howell,” Phil spits, walking in the opposite direction. 

Dan watches as Phil walks away, rolling his eyes once more at how stupid Phil was. He knows he started the fight, but Phil is always the one to say the first word and insult Dan every chance he got. If it was up to Dan, he wouldn’t even talk to Phil because of how shitty he's become. 

Comparing who Phil was before to who he is now, he finds it hard to believe that they were once the best of friends. Phil, who was so caring and thoughtful, is now coldhearted and apparently one to provoke fights without any reason. What happened to the Phil that used to spew out random animal facts at the weirdest of times and spent more time reading books than interacting with people? Dan hates their relationship had come to this, but if this is who Phil wanted to be, then he really doesn’t want anything to do with him.

It still sucks though, considering that Phil had been his best friend since primary school. When Phil decided that he didn’t want to be Dan’s friend anymore, he left Dan with no one. Dan had to survive his remaining years in school without a real friend, or at least anyone that he could trust to talk to about anything. 

Unfortunately for Dan, the only other person he did talk to in this school right now was Phil, and it was to tell him to fuck off. 

-

The day goes by faster than Dan expected and he finds himself bored as fuck in detention, only a couple desks away from his favourite person: Phil Lester. 

He looks around the classroom, confused by the fact that he and Phil are the only people here. Surely there should be more people in detention, seeing as Dan and Phil were both pretty much just nerds that hated each other. Where were the jocks and the stereotypical bad boys? 

Deciding not to ponder on it for too long, Dan puts his head down and closes his eyes. He decides that he has enough time for a nap, seeing as Phil isn’t currently bothering him. 

As if on cue, he feels something hit the back of his head. He sighs loudly (and admittedly obnoxiously) as he raises his head up.

“Phil, I’m not in the mood.”

“I didn’t give you a choice,” Phil remarks and throws another small, crumpled ball of paper.

Dan’s hands ball up into fists, resisting the urge to grab the heaviest thing in his backpack and throw it at Phil. He slowly puts his head down again, deciding not to give Phil the satisfaction or entertainment.

“Well you’re boring,” Phil sighs, resting his head on one hand while his other doodles on the ripped piece of paper. He looks up to the clock to find that he and Dan only have half an hour left and sighs with relief. He turns his attention back to his paper, outlining his drawing of Pikachu to define it. He smiles to himself as he silently praises his drawing for not being so shit.

With Phil’s attention to his paper, he is silent for the rest of the time, making Dan believe that he had left detention early. It wouldn’t surprise Dan a bit if that was what Phil did honestly. However, when Dan looks over to where Phil is sitting, he’s taken aback by the fact that he’s still there, eyes glued to his paper, hand doodling furiously, tongue stuck out in concentration. Dan smiles at the view as it reminded him of when he and Phil used to play video games together. Phil would pull the same face as he tried his best to beat Dan, even if he always lost.

They’re both broken out of their trances when the bell rings and the detention administrator walks in to dismiss them. Dan’s face flushes as he quickly breaks his stare from Phil, unsure of whether Phil noticed him or not. He grabs his bag as fast as he can and bolts out of the classroom, not even giving Phil a chance to leave a witty remark.

-

It’s around midnight when Dan decides that he’s not sleeping that night. He thought that after another fight with Phil and nearly boring himself to sleep in detention would tide him over, but currently he finds that he can’t fall asleep. His eyes are tired as hell, burning every time he blinked and eyelids heavier than they’ve ever been. However, his brain was alert, jumping from thought to thought, mind racing through instances. 

He tries to lift his arm over his eyes to help relieve the pain, but he jolts when another sort of pain shoots through his bicep.

Right, his fight with Phil. 

He sighs internally, his mind wandering to how fucked up his friendship with Phil is. It isn’t even considered a friendship anymore because all they do is yell at each other and fight. Though after what Phil did to him, Dan hasn’t regretted the decision of dropping him as a friend. Phil was toxic; he still is. He showed Dan that he didn’t care and that he cared more about his image than their friendship.

But seeing Phil in detention, with his face scrunched up in concentration, that had been the first time in a long time that Dan missed being friends with Phil. 

Laying in his bed, Dan thinks about how gentle Phil used to be when they were kids. Phil grew up as the second child, so he was respectful and always followed what his older brother told him to do. He assumed that same role every time he and Dan played together. Dan would usually take control and Phil was okay with it. It was how they worked. If one of them was off balance, the other would help level them out. Growing up, they worked together so well, so why did it end on such bad terms?

Dan furrows his eyebrows and groans, sitting up from his bed, throwing away any lingering thoughts he had at Phil. Anger starts bubbling in his chest as he starts to recall the fight that ended their friendship:

 

_He was curled in a corner, his arms covering face, cowering as he heard the never-ending remarks and insults from the kids above him. He was yelling, shouting at the bullies to leave him alone, crying for help from the one person that he thought was his hero._

_“Phil! Phil! Please help!”_

_The kicks to his stomach kept going. The kids above him grew louder._

_Through his teary eyes, Dan managed to peek from under his arms, trying to find Phil. The bullies didn’t cease their tormenting, taking Dan’s peeking as a moment of weakness, and they kicked him square in the face._

_Dan let out a whimper, arms moving to the ground in attempt to steady himself from the blow. As he looked up, he saw a figure in the distance, standing there and just watching him get hurt._

_“Please!” Dan tried to yell out to the person, “Please come and help me!”_

_The bullies laughed in response, “Yeah, Phil, why don’t you come help your pathetic excuse of a friend?”_

_It was as if time stopped then. Suddenly, Dan didn’t feel the pain from the kids kicking him, nor did he feel the warm blood falling down his face. The only pain he felt was in his heart, and he was momentarily scared that it had stopped beating._

_Was that person really Phil, his best friend? Why wasn’t Phil defending him?_

_He could hear Phil’s shaky voice reply to the bullies, “What about I don’t?”_

_Dan felt his heart crack, tears slipping down his face as the pain grew stronger. His poor body couldn’t take it anymore and he blacked out, Phil’s words the last thing echoing in his head._

-

He wipes his tears away and pushes his fringe from his face, pulling it into a sort of half quiff. He feels pathetic that he cries every time he thinks about what went down between them. 

It kind of really sucks that things ended up the way they did for them both. Phil decided he was too good for Dan and left Dan to the curb to wallow in his self pity. Dan finds himself doing that most nights, usually in the same manner he’s doing tonight. 

Dan releases all his tension from today through his crying and allows himself a few more tears to run down his face. He inhales once and he feels at peace, even if it only lasts a few minutes. His attention turns to the dim alarm clock sitting on his bedside table and frowns when he reads 04:35. He didn’t even realise that all that time had passed.

He can already imagine the dark circles and bags under his eyes as he drags his ass through the school day tomorrow - or later today. 

Despite sleeping being pointless at this time, Dan attempts to anyways. His eyes droop closed surprisingly easily and he’s asleep in no time, physically and mentally exhausted from the one person that he used to rely on: Phil Lester. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter covers phil's pov and the juicy plot happens in the next chapter!! updates every thursday <333

A sense of dread fills Dan’s stomach when he arrives at school the next day. The reflection he had on he and Phil’s friendship the night before had left him in a weird headspace, and he finds himself checking every hall for Phil and sighing in relief when he doesn’t see him. He doesn’t want to see Phil today, let alone talk to him and fight him.

Dan thinks about how today feels weirdly different. On any other given day, the mention of Phil’s name would make his blood boil, so why does he feel his heart pang in his chest and his stomach turn at the mere thought of him today? 

Last night’s reflection made him realise how much of a bad person Phil actually is, how insignificant Dan really was to Phil, and how Phil was hiding his true feelings about Dan the entire time. If Phil really wanted this friendship, he would have helped Dan from those bullies, not stand there and watch. Dan should be so angry for making him feel this way, not feel sad and heartbroken. He hates that Phil makes him feel like this. 

Shoving the thought away, he shuts his locker and speed-walks to his next class, trying his best to avoid Phil.

-

It’s the end of the day and they’re in detention again. Phil is slumped in his chair, knee bouncing up and down rapidly, thinking that it would somehow make the time go faster. His eyes drift over to Dan, where he’s tapping a pencil on the desk, eyes glazed over as if he isn’t mentally there. Phil lifts an eyebrow and stares for a bit. Something about Dan is off.

Earlier today Phil had tried to bug Dan after running into him in the cafeteria, but all Dan did was walk in the other direction. No eye rolling, no sarcastic remark, not even a heavy sigh to give Phil a reaction. 

It reminded Phil of the way Dan used to handle confrontations before they stopped being friends; he avoided it and walked away, trying his best not to gauge any reactions. It was before either of them had grown a shell hard enough to protect themselves from the foul remarks and physical hits.

They used to protect each other, Phil recalls. Dan was always good with words so sometimes, if bullies went too far, he would be the one to tell them to fuck off. Phil would be the one to protect Dan from the physical harm because he was a bit stronger. They had this dynamic between them, this team where they managed to work no matter what happened.

Sometimes Phil misses the way they used to be. He remembers clear as day what happened between them that made their friendship end, but he also remembers what happened after. How he tried to apologise and how willing he was to do anything for Dan to forgive him. How Dan told him to fuck off, to get out of his life, before Phil had a chance to explain himself, so he didn’t try anymore. He left Dan alone.

Eventually Phil became friends with the guys that bullied Dan that one day behind the school, so when they went throw insults to Dan again, all Phil had to do was remember how hurt and frustrated he felt when Dan didn’t want to listen to what he had to say, and he had enough anger to spit insults at Dan’s face as if they never were friends. It grew into this mutual hatred between the two and it became personal, everyone knowing to back away and let Phil fight with Dan himself.

“Phil?” Dan asks, breaking Phil away from his internal monologue. Their eyes lock and Phil is suddenly aware that he had been staring at Dan literally the whole entire time. 

“What do you want, dick head?” Dan’s tone sounds resigned and Phil bites his tongue to keep from fighting back, but only this once because there are dark circles under Dan’s eyes and they can go a day without going at each other’s throats.

“Sorry, just thinking,” Phil’s mouth tightens into a straight line and turns his attention to the clock on the wall. They have half an hour left in this hellhole and he’s getting incredibly impatient. He rests his head on one hand, eyes fluttering shut, thinking that maybe taking a nap would help the time go by faster.

Next to him, Dan is still tapping his pencil away, figuring out the answer to his next homework question. When he figures it out, the tapping stops momentarily for Dan to write his answer before continuing to tap. If Phil’s being honest, it’s starting to get on his nerves.

Phil bites the inside of his cheek, forcing himself to tune into something else. His fingers are twitching to take his phone out of his backpack and just break the No Electronics Rule for the sake of his sanity. Every time Dan tapped the desk with his pencil, Phil could feel his patience tapping away as well, and he holds his breath to try and keep from snapping. When Dan’s pencil finally stops making that god forsaken noise, Phil turns his head and he’s disturbed at the new noise produced.

He sees Dan subconsciously chewing the eraser part of the pencil. Phil grimaces as he tries not to hear the metal of the pencil clang against Dan’s teeth. Dan is really pushing Phil’s buttons today, whether he’s intending to or not. Phil hangs on for as long as he can, but with every minute passing by, his patience nears nonexistence.

Gritting his teeth, Phil speaks, “Dan, can you not do that with your pencil?”

Maybe it was the tone in Phil’s voice, or maybe it was because Dan had reached the end of his tether too, but instead of getting a civilised reply, Dan glares at him, knuckles turning white as he squeezes the pencil in his hand.

“What about you stop with your leg?” Dan spits back, motioning to Phil’s bouncing leg. Admittedly, Phil had forgotten that he was doing it and probably should have put Dan’s feelings into consideration, but something about Dan’s tone made Phil angry.

“You’re really making it hard not to punch you, Howell,” Phil says after a long minute. The air is thick with tension and both of the boys find it hard to breathe for a second. They stare at each other, only seeing red.

“Shame,” Dan taunts, starting to tap on the desk with his pencil again, all while remaining eye contact with Phil. Phil’s breath quickens, adrenaline shooting through his legs as the sudden want to hit the annoying boy in front of him becomes stronger and stronger. Dan’s eyes grow darker and he remarks, “What are you going to do, Lester? Show me how much you hate me.”

Phil is about to lunge towards Dan until the detention moderator walks into the room. Phil’s face flushes red at his attempt to calm himself down in seconds, but the anger and frustration is still coursing through his bones.

When the moderator dismisses them, Dan bolts out of the classroom and Phil follows just as fast. They lock eyes for a second.

“You better run, Howell,” Phil growls, not giving Dan a chance to reply as he tries to throw a punch. He misses and then Dan is running, not looking back.

“Catch me if you can, shit head!” Dan calls back. Phil wants more than anything to run after him and make him take back all that he said. He stops himself from chasing after Dan, even if the temptation is strong. He bites his lip and takes a deep breath, Dan is too far for it to count anyways. But next time, Phil will definitely make sure Dan is sorry. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for rough blowjobs

A few weeks have passed since their detention sentence, and Dan and Phil find themselves hating each other more and more. As they pass by each other in the hallway, students nearby can feel the tension between them, making it hard for even them to breathe. 

Everyday Phil’s got his arm around someone new and everyday Dan feels more and more disgusted when he sees Phil and his new arm candy making out in the hallway. Does that person even have a single ounce of self respect in them? Phil’s just going to use them for a day and then move on to the next person. Everyone knows Phil’s reputation, yet they still fall to his feet and worship the very ground he walks on. It repulses Dan. 

After everything he and Phil have been through, he’s still the one being treated like shit. Phil’s the one that abandoned and mistreated him in the first place, so why is he being treated the way he is while Phil is being praised? 

Sometimes Dan regrets taking the high road. He’s suffering miserably while Phil gets off scot-free. He kind of wishes that Phil shows that he’s as upset about this as Dan is, but Phil just seems so much more better off. Dan feels a sense of longing for things to revert to how things used to be, but as he’s being shoved against his locker for about the millionth time this week, all longings and nostalgic chills get thrown out the window. 

Phil’s got him pressed against the locker as his fists grab hold of Dan’s shirt, choking him and holding him still. Dan’s hands try to pry from Phil’s iron grip, his coughing and swearing melding into one incoherent noise. 

“I’m getting real tired of you, Howell. I’m so sick of seeing your fuckin’ face every day after school,” Phil almost yells, face red with anger as he insults Dan some more.

Dan wants to roll his eyes at the logic of Phil’s actions. Phil’s blaming Dan for putting them in detention for starting the fight, but who’s holding Dan in a chokehold as they speak?

“If we weren’t in school I’d ruin you,” Phil grits out when they start to attract attention. He releases his hold on Dan and Dan falls to the floor, hands going to his chest as he tries to even out his breathing. 

“Fuck you,” Dan spits and with shaky legs, he stands up, a look of defiance in his eyes. 

“Wouldn’t you like that,” Phil smirks, fixing his fringe before walking off, leaving a fuming Dan behind.

‘If this isn’t a great start to my morning,’ Dan thinks, ‘then I don’t know what is.’ 

-

It’s later in the day and Dan’s going to the bathroom before heading off to his free period. He’s in the middle of washing his hands when his attention is brought to the opening of the door. 

Dan lets out a heavy exhale as he sees the figure walking in. 

“Fucking hell,” the person mutters, zipper unzipping as he stands at the urinal. 

“Nice to see you, too, Lester,” Dan chuckles, moving to dry his hands. Phil finishes his business and walks to the sink to wash his hands.

“Don’t start with me. We’re in the bathroom, so no one will try to break us up,” Phil says. He walks to the paper towel dispenser to dry his hands, but Dan is blocking the way.

Gritting his teeth, Phil says, “Seriously, Dan, move. I don’t want to deal with this.”

Dan doesn’t budge. 

“Fine,” Phil starts, “I guess you give me no choice.”

Despite the amount of fighting he and Phil do, Dan’s always thrown back by how fucking _strong_ Phil is. Phil nearly picks Dan up and slams him against the wall, Dan letting out a groan as his back hits the hard surface. He’s shaking, but he uses all of his energy to kick his legs, hitting Phil in the shin. Phil falls to the floor and Dan attempts to make a mad dash out of the bathroom, but Phil’s grabbing onto his ankles and bringing him down with him. Phil moves to straddle Dan, pinning his wrists down, rendering Dan defenceless. 

“Let go of me!” Dan yells, squirming to try and escape Phil’s grasp. This only makes Phil grip harder and Dan winces, knowing there will be bruises in the shape of Phil’s fingers on his arms. 

Phil leans in, smirking, noses touching, “Apologise first.”

“Fuck you,” Dan says and spits in Phil’s face. Phil grits his teeth and his hands close even tighter around Dan’s wrists. Dan whimpers as he continues to try and wiggle out from under Phil. It’s getting impossible to breathe with Phil being so close to him. His eyes are piercing through his soul, but it’s so alluring that Dan can’t look away. He finds himself getting lost in them, but he’s brought back to reality when more pain shoots through his arm. 

Dan isn’t sure who leaned in first, but suddenly he and Phil are kissing messily, sloppily, and he finds himself completely and utterly addicted.

It takes Phil by surprise and he really isn’t entirely sure what’s happening, but he knows that he’s kind of into it. Phil doesn’t even want to think about what this means, but everything feels so fucking good. He kisses back, teeth clacking and lips bumping as if they’re trying take their anger out on each other in the form of kissing. Phil starts grinding his hips down against Dan’s crotch, moaning as he feels how hard Dan is. Dan lets out a long moan, overwhelmed by how he is even _enjoying_ this with Phil.

Phil’s grip loosens on Dan’s wrists and Dan brings one of his hands down to massage Phil’s cock. Phil bites Dan’s lip harshly when Dan squeezes particularly tight. Phil’s hips twitch and Dan sits up, fingers tangling in Phil’s hair, tugging hard. 

They somehow switch positions, Dan on top of Phil and straddling him. Arousal is pooling in his stomach, his cock is throbbing in his jeans, and his eyes are fixed on Phil’s growing bulge. He briefly thinks about how fucking weird this is, but he pushes it to the side, deciding to focus on much _bigger_ tasks at hand.

Phil’s eyes are dark and his pupils are blown as he waits expectantly for Dan to take his jeans off. Phil rolls his eyes and shoves them down himself when Dan takes a little to long, sliding his boxers off with it. He pushes his shirt up in case they get messy and Dan licks his lips, letting Phil guide his head to his cock.

When Dan wraps his lips around the tip, Phil lets out a long groan, pushing his cock up and farther into Dan’s mouth. With Dan’s permission, Phil starts fucking into his mouth. It’s hard and fast and rough, but Phil finds he can’t stop and he wonders how Dan is so fucking good at this. His mouth is warm and tight, and Dan’s trying his best to suck, the pressure making Phil’s eyes roll to the back to his head. Dan tries his best to breathe, but he’s gagging and moaning, getting off on how rough Phil is using him. 

“F-fuck, I’m close,” Phil warns, his thrusts into Dan’s mouth getting more erratic. Dan looks up at him with wide, doe eyes, and their eyes lock. Dan’s hand makes its way to Phil’s balls, massaging and rolling them it his hands. It makes Phil arch his back, thrusting once more into Dan’s mouth before losing control, shooting string after string of cum into Dan’s mouth. It’s fucking dirty and his cum is getting all over Dan’s face, but Dan licks up what he can and swallows. 

“Shit,” Dan swears, sitting up and pulling his cock out. He squeezes once, precum blurting out as he runs his palm over the head. Phil’s eyes are fixed on Dan’s movement, watching as those sinful fingers stroke faster. Phil can see how desperate Dan is, his breath coming out short and fast, his stomach muscles tense on every upstroke, and he’s letting out breathy sighs continuously.

Without thinking, Phil reaches out to help Dan, one hand reaching to fondle Dan’s balls, while the other wraps around over Dan’s hand. Their eyes meet and they can’t think, Phil’s mind still hazy from his orgasm and Dan’s focused on the pure want to come. 

With Phil’s encouragement, Dan shoots all over he and Phil’s chests, and they can’t even begin to think about the repercussions of their actions. Dan falls back as strokes himself through his orgasm, muscles tensing and lip almost bleeding from how hard he had been biting it. 

Once they both calm down, the bell rings, making both of them jump. Phil throws a few paper towels Dan’s way and they wipe themselves off before they’re scrambling to get their clothes on. Dan fixes his fringe and leaves the bathroom without another word to Phil. 

Phil stands there, eyes watching as the door closes, leaving him confused as to what the fuck this means for him and Dan. 

-

The rest of the day passes by in a blur, at least that’s what it feels like to Dan. He slowly makes his way to detention, unsure of what he should act like in front of Phil. There’s no doubt that Dan still hates him, but he had Phil’s dick in his mouth not too long ago and he’s wondering if Phil felt anything or if it was just a fling. 

He walks into the detention room, shoulders dropping when Phil isn’t in the room yet. He pulls out his homework and starts working on it, trying his best to get lost in the work so he doesn’t have to face reality. He doesn’t look up when Phil sits next to him. He’s biting the top of his pencil as he works out the next problem. 

“Hey, Dan,” Phil says, after the detention moderator leaves the room. 

Dan pretends not to hear Phil. 

“Fucks sake,” Phil mutters, leaning in towards Dan. He taps Dan’s desk until Dan’s forced to look at him.

“What do you want?” Dan asks, trying his best to seem annoyed, but if Phil’s being honest, Dan looks a bit scared of what he has to say. He brushes it off though and continues talking. 

“I just wanted to talk to you about earlier.”

Dan’s heart drops, all of his fears confirmed, “What about it?”

“I’ve been thinking after you left the bathroom, and I think it’s best if we just forget it ever happened, okay? I don’t know what came over me, but I don’t want it to happen again. Got it?” Phil asks, not waiting for a response. He settles back into his seat and pulls out his iPod and earphones, turning up the volume so loud that even Dan can hear it.

“Sure,” Dan replies, attention turning back to his homework. He doesn’t know why, but he feels slightly disappointed that Phil just wants to forget what happened. He knows that he and Phil are supposed to hate each other, what Phil did to Dan is unforgivable, but Dan feels like this should have changed at least _something_. 

The more he thinks about it, the more angry he gets at Phil. He seethes silently before tucking the thought away, opting to focus on his homework instead.

If Phil wants to forget what happened in the bathroom, then so be it. 


	4. Chapter 4

Yesterday had left Dan confused and angry. After leaving detention, Phil didn’t even bother to look Dan in the eye as they parted ways. Dan didn’t know what he was expecting; he and Phil hated each other’s guts. There’s no such thing as apologies from Phil Lester. 

And it wasn’t like Dan actually liked Phil that way, but both of them seemed to enjoy it yesterday, even if it was just sex. Dan doesn't think that he could _ever_ like Phil that way, he doesn’t even think that they could be friends, not after what Phil did to him. He’s been going through high school alone with little to no friends thanks to Phil, and that’s not something he can easily forgive. But afteryesterday when Phil told Dan that they should just forget what happened, it definitely didn’t help his case towards being forgiven. It only added to the already existing anger Dan had for Phil.

He should just try and forget what happened; dwelling on it will only make things more complicated and worse. So before he can think about it anymore, Dan throws away as much of the memory as he can and goes on with his day, laying low and avoiding all things Phil Lester. 

-

It’s in the middle of class when Dan hears Phil’s obnoxious voice from the back of the room, calling his name tauntingly. He grips his pencil tightly and inhales sharply, slowly turning his head to see what the fuck Phil wants. He’s about ready to explode when his eyes meet Phil’s, those incredibly hypnotising eyes looking at him tauntingly. Phil sits there, smirking at Dan, knowing full well what he did and how Dan’s going to react. 

“Need anything, sweetie?” Dan asks, sickeningly sweet. A bright smile breaks onto his face as Phil’s face changes to one of confusion, and Dan turns to focus on the doodles he was previously making in his notes. 

“Just letting you know your hair looks like a wet mop, _darling_ ,” Phil remarks, smile darkening. A few people sitting behind them start snickering and Dan feels his blood boil. He’s about ready to throw his pencil at Phil, but the bell rings, shaking Dan out of his anger. He quickly packs up his things and bolts out of the room, only stopped by someone grabbing his wrist. He turns around and yanks his hand away when he’s met with Phil. 

“The fuck you want?” Dan spits, fixed on getting away from Phil. He has an inkling of what Phil is going to say, and he’s afraid that if he doesn’t get out fast, he won’t be able to say no. He continues to speed walk to his locker, but Phil follows close behind, apparently not knowing how to take a hint. 

“Look, I was thinking about yesterday,” Phil says seriously, making Dan stop in his tracks. 

“We don’t need to talk about yesterday. Nothing happened yesterday,” Dan says, a little too bitterly. 

Phil’s face softens for a second, “I know I said that I wanted us to forget,” he takes a step closer, “But I can’t stop thinking about how good you looked with your mouth around my cock.”

Dan tries not to let it affect him.

“Why should I do anything with you again? After what you said yesterday and today?” Dan asks skeptically. If he admits it to himself, he knows yesterday was hot, but he isn’t going to do anything with Phil after he reacted. He wants Phil to explain himself first. 

“I thought it was what you wanted. It seemed like you wanted to forget it happened when you left the bathroom, and I thought it was what I wanted too. But seeing you today all angry in class, it made me think about how hot you looked when you were on top of me. Fuck, Dan, I really want to fucking do something with you again.”

Dan can feel the corner of his mouth gradually growing into a smile, slowly backing into a wall with Phil hovering closely over him. To anyone else walking the halls, it would just look like their regular bickering, so no one even thinks to look twice. Phil’s mouth twitches up into a smile. 

“You really liked what happened yesterday?” Dan asks, the smile slowly melding into a smirk. 

“Yeah, I felt so good yesterday, getting our anger out in a whole other way. Don’t you want to do it again?” 

“Fuck, Phil.” 

Dan finds himself being dragged in the closest utility closet once the warning bell goes off, Phil’s lips on his, kissing harshly and breathing heavily. Their hands are everywhere, Dan’s own hands making their way under Phil’s shirt, scratching lightly against Phil’s back. He inhales sharply as Phil moves down to his neck, biting and sucking firmly as his hands undo Dan’s jeans. 

As Dan’s jeans slide off, Phil drops to his knees, looking up at Dan with hooded eyes. He massages Dan’s growing length and smirks when Dan’s knees buckle. 

“Let me return the favour from last time,” Phil says, shedding Dan’s boxers off. He kisses lightly up Dan’s length, tongue darting out when he gets to the top, swiping once over the slit and making Dan’s cock twitch at the light feeling. Dan’s fingers tangle themselves in Phil’s dark hair, pushing him closer and urging him on. He whines when Phil wraps his mouth around the head, slowly sliding his way down Dan’s length before coming back up. He hollows his cheeks and bobs his head, Dan crying out loudly at how good it feels. 

“Fuck, you’re really good,” Dan moans, spurring Phil on even more. Phil sinks down Dan’s cock, relaxing his throat as he takes all of Dan. Dan holds Phil’s head in place, his mind going blank as Phil struggles to breathe, throat fluttering rapidly, pushing Dan towards his orgasm. He’s shuddering at the feeling, making the shelves resting against the wall shake. Phil pulls off after Dan relaxes his grip slightly, breathing and catching his breath. 

Dan whimpers and pulls Phil towards his cock again, his angry red tip leaking continuously. Phil drags his tongue up teasingly before enveloping Dan’s cock again. His jaw goes slack and he holds onto Dan’s hip, encouraging him to fuck into his mouth. Dan can’t even believe the sight, his eyes rolling to the back of his head as he slowly starts to thrust into Phil’s mouth. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Dan swears, getting closer and closer thanks to Phil’s warm, wet mouth. It’s disgustingly hot and before Dan can shout a warning, he’s shooting down Phil’s throat and Phil’s swallowing as best as he can. Some runs down his chin and Dan weakly wipes it off with his fingers, his body still shaking as he comes down from his high. 

As Phil stands up, he wipes the rest of Dan’s cum from his mouth, connecting their lips once more before taking off his own jeans and kicking them to the side. They switch positions, Dan now on his knees and Phil leaning against the wall. Phil’s cock is already hard from all of Dan’s noises, and when he wraps his hand around his cock for the first time that day, he realises just how close he is. 

“Shit,” Phil moans, stroking fast and hard, “Dan, can I come on your face?”

Wordlessly, Dan nods and opens his mouth, eyes half lidded. Phil throws his head back as he strokes faster, his orgasm hitting him suddenly. He shoots a string into Dan’s mouth, another one on his cheek and then his forehead. It comes fast and Dan’s nowhere near prepared, but everything is so hot the he can’t bring himself to care. Phil pulls Dan up to his feet and kisses him hard before pulling away. He’s still breathing heavily, his face heavy and hair askew as he smiles lazily at Dan. 

“Thanks, Howell. You were great,” Phil loosely compliments, collecting his pants and pulling them on. Dan grabs a wad of paper towels from one of the shelves and wipes his face off.

“Yep,” Dan replies, pulling on his own pants as Phil opens the door and leaves. A sinking feeling appears in Dan’s stomach as the door shuts, and suddenly he feels exposed and dirty. He shrugs on his backpack and leaves after counting to 60, hoping by then new people would be standing in the hallway and nobody would notice what they did. 

As Dan walks to class, the realisation of what happened starts to sink in. All this time he looked down on all of these people that Phil paid attention to because he knew that Phil was just going to use them before tossing them to the side. He didn’t realise that Phil was doing the same exact thing to him, at least, not until Phil left the utility closet. Dan’s stomach starts to sink as he thinks about how Phil managed to screw him over again. 

But he isn’t going to let it happen again. He’s not going to put Phil’s wants before his own needs, and doing anything more with Phil other than generally hating him will only make things more complicated and worse. Sure, the sex felt good, it felt more than good even, but if they get used to it, what will that make them? Just thinking about it makes Dan’s head hurt.

Before he can think further, he’s leaving the school to go home, not caring who sees him leave. 

-

He’s a bit confused when he gets a text message from Phil. He hasn’t gotten one since they stopped being friends, and the realisation of that makes Dan hurt a little bit more.

 

**_Phil Lester:_ ** _where were u in detention?_

 

Dan furrows his eyebrows as he taps out a reply.

 

**_Dan Howell:_ ** _why do u care lol_

 

His phone pings not even a minute later.

 

**_Phil Lester:_ ** _idk detention’s kinda mandatory_

_plus im lonely :(_

 

Dan almost smiles, but he stops himself. He knows what Phil is doing. He’s not going to let Phil get what he wants, even if Phil’s saying what he wants to hear. 

 

**_Dan Howell:_ ** _u just want me to suck ur dick again_

**_Phil Lester:_ ** _… maybe ;)_

**_Dan Howell:_ ** _fuck off :’)_

**_Phil Lester:_ ** _i’d rather fuck you <3_

 

Dan rolls his eyes and locks his phone, throwing his phone to the other side of the room to resist the urge to reply to Phil. Phil’s unbelievable, and it’s embarrassing that he kind of has Dan wrapped around his finger. Dan shouldn’t let Phil affect him, but that doesn’t stop his mind from thinking about how good Phil felt around him, how hot Phil looked as he threw his head back and came all over his face. The more he thinks about it, the more his brain gets foggy and the more he starts thinking about how fucking appealing it would be. He wouldn’t get punched or beaten anymore, they’d be channeling their frustrations and anger through sex, which is arguably a lot healthier than whatever the fuck they were doing. 

Somewhat convinced on his decision, he finds that he’s fully hard now, and he pulls down his bottoms before wrapping a hand around himself. He’s stroking himself slowly as he thinks about Phil’s wide eyes looking up at him with his mouth around his cock. He thinks about how much of a douche Phil actually is, the anger building up in his stomach. He’s pretending his fist is Phil’s mouth, thrusting harshly as he thinks about rendering Phil completely silent, fucking all of those witty remarks from his mind. He thinks about Phil’s eyes fluttering closed as he comes into his mouth, mind going blissfully blank as he tumbles from his high. He opens his eyes, moderately confused that he was in his room and not in a utility closet. 

Hands shaking, Dan reaches for tissues from his bedside table, wiping away his guilt and cum. He tucks himself under his duvet, falling into a deep sleep before he can even think about what he just did. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look i updated on time again. this may never happen again :') this was actually longer than i expected it to be, but i'm welcoming it with open arms :) 
> 
> smut warnings: phone sex ;)

 

The next day Dan finds himself skipping detention with Phil, both of them managing to sneak inside the utility closet, tongues pushing against each other, panting and groping as if it’s the only thing they know how to do. 

Phil has got him against the wall, his wrists in Phil’s tight hold. Phil’s lips are on his neck and Dan can feel all rational thought slowly melting away. 

“Shit, Phil,” Dan moans a little too loudly. Phil quiets him down by sliding a couple fingers into Dan’s mouth. Instinctively, Dan starts to suck on them, his tongue sliding over Phil’s fingers and coating them with saliva. It should be gross and disgusting, but Phil pulls away from Dan’s neck long enough to stare at Dan’s mouth, his pupils dilating at the view.

“God, Dan, you don’t know what you do to me,” Phil mutters, attaching his lips back to Dan’s neck. Dan furrows his eyes at Phil’s words, but it quickly dissolves as Phil starts to move his mouth lower, his free hand roaming under Dan’s shirt. 

Dan’s moans are muffled thanks to Phil’s fingers in his mouth, and he’s wondering how he even got here in the first place. One moment he’s trying to get Phil’s attention to talk about their ‘arrangement,’ for lack of better words, and then the next he’s being dragged out of the classroom and into the same, damp utility closet that he’s somehow getting very familiar with. 

When Dan woke up this morning, his mind didn’t change about Phil. Having sex instead of fighting definitely had a lot more pros than cons, but in order for it to work, they needed boundaries. Dan spent all of his homeroom and his free period trying to come up with a list of rules and boundaries, trying his best to work out the details before actually proposing the idea to Phil. It’s a bit extra, but Dan finds himself afraid of what could happen if they didn’t establish anything. Feelings could develop if they weren’t too careful, or worse, Dan might actually _forgive_ Phil for what happened between them. Even though the sex with Phil is unexplainably amazing, Dan isn’t ready to forgive him, and he really isn’t planning to any time soon. 

With his list of rules and regulations in thought, he stops sucking Phil’s fingers, causing Phil to stop unbuckling his jeans.

“What’s wrong?” Phil asks, a hint of concern in his voice. Funnily enough, that’s been the first time in years since Dan heard anything like that come from Phil’s mouth. 

“Yeah, it’s just… What are we doing?”

Phil winces at the question, stepping away from Dan, running his hand through his hair nervously, “Do we have to know what we’re doing?”

The question shouldn’t surprise Dan, but it does, and he frowns. 

“Um, I mean, not necessarily, but… We keep finding ourselves in these situations and I just feel like we should have some boundaries?” Dan tries to start, regretting that he didn’t prepare for actually bringing this up with Phil. He’s got the paper of rules in his back pocket, the paper seeming to burn into his thigh. He wishes that he could ignore it and just _go with it_ , but the thought of whatever this is escalating into something worse has his stomach in knots and he just can’t find it in him to not care.

“Like what? Dan, this is just sex,” Phil tries to finish the conversation, moving in to kiss Dan into silence. Dan pulls away again. 

“No, I know,” Dan says, not hurt from the words. He knows this is just sex; nothing more, nothing less. “Just read this.” 

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper before he can decide against it, shoving it into Phil’s chest before quickly exiting the closet, leaving Phil alone with the dreaded paper in his hand. 

Phil lets out a shaky breath as he unfolds the paper, squinting and trying to decipher Dan’s excuse for handwriting in the poorly lit closet. There’s no way he can read it in these conditions, no matter how hard he tries, so he folds it back up and shoves it in his pocket before making his way back to the detention room. When he enters, Dan is sitting at his desk, nose buried in a book. Phil glances at the clock, noting that there’s two minutes until the detention moderator comes back in to dismiss them. He silently sits back into his seat, ignoring way he can feel Dan’s eyes on him, burning holes into the side of his head. Dan’s about to say something until the detention moderator walks in, dismissing them grumpily before walking back out. 

Phil is almost home free until Dan’s grabbing at his wrist and calling his name. 

“Did you read the paper?” Dan asks, his voice soft and timid. Phil can’t help but smile a little at that. 

“I actually couldn’t read it? The lights were too dim and honestly, you don’t have the best handwriting,” Phil laughs, attempting to lighten the mood.

“Oh,” Dan says, cheeks darkening, “Um, let me know when you read it then. I just wanted to establish some stuff that was off limits before we did something that we’d both regret, you know?”

Phil nods.

“I’m not asking for like a commitment or anything, I just want you to know what I want and don’t want. We don’t even have to do this—“ Dan gestures to the both of them— “if you don’t want to.”

“I’ll let you know how I feel when I read it,” Phil replies, not a trace of malice in this voice. He’s a bit glad that it’s after school hours where no one can see him and Dan like this. 

“Thank you,” Dan says, turning to walk home, not giving Phil a chance to reply. 

The whole concept is scary, Phil admits to himself as he’s walking home. He’s staring at the ground as he walks, hands in his pocket, Dan’s paper rough against his fingers. 

He wordlessly enters his house, ignoring his mum’s greetings as he ascends his staircase and into his bedroom, closing the door and locking it in case Martyn tries to burst in. He throws his backpack into a corner of his room and pulls the paper out again. His palms are sweaty, and he’s momentarily confused by how he can be so scared by of a piece of paper. 

Before he can scare himself any more, he’s pulling the paper out of his pocket and unfolding it. He sits at his desk and turns on his lamp, smoothing over the wrinkles made from his pocket. His head hurts trying to decipher Dan’s handwriting, but he eventually figures it out, pleasantly surprised by what he reads:

 

> **_Our … Agreement?_ **
> 
> 1.  _No Strings — no feelings, no extra anything. it is what it is. no strings attached. i don’t need to know about your life and i don’t think you need to know about mine._

This makes Phil chuckle. At least Dan knows that this is just sex; nothing romantic, or friendly. Just sex. He reads on.

 

> _2\. Exclusiveness — we don’t have to be exclusive exclusive. you can be seen with anyone in the hallways; i could care less. but leave the_ _fucking for me._

Phil raises an eyebrow at that, curious as to why Dan decided to make this a rule. He makes a note to himself to bring it up to Dan later. 

 

> _3\. Likes and Dislikes — we tell each other what we like or dislike, what we’re comfortable with, etc._
> 
> _4\. Safeword — ok hear me out: if either of us want to stop this thing between us, all we have to do is say “cherry.”_

 

Sighing in relief, Phil puts down the paper. He didn’t know what to expect from Dan, but part of him was afraid that Dan might want something like a relationship. Something where he had to commit to one person and one person only. 

He doesn’t want to do relationships; not with Dan, not with anyone else. All relationships do is drain is his energy. The concept of one person loving and relying on him at all times terrifies him, so when Dan listed that there were no strings and that they didn’t have to really be exclusive, well, Phil finds himself relieved to say the least. Phil doesn’t want to have to do all of the things that came with relationships: the commitment, the support, the everything in between. He wants to be able to do what he wants, not be tied down to the person and watching his every move so that that person wouldn’t get hurt. It’s too much and Phil’s too young to even be worrying about this shit, so frankly, he’s glad that Dan made the list the way he did. 

Phil jumps when his phone vibrates in his pocket, standing up to pull it out of his pocket before answering it.

“Hullo?” Phil answers, walking to his bed and siting down. 

“Phil? Hey, it’s Dan,” Dan says, his voice a little shaky.

Phil furrows his eyebrows, “Yeah, hey. Is there anything wrong?”

“No, not at all. I was just wondering if you read it yet?”

“Read what?” Phil glances over to the desk before his eyes go wide, “Oh! Oh, the list! Yeah I read it.”

There’s a long pause before Dan speaks again. 

“And…?”

Phil facepalms himself for being so thick. “Everything looks good. The only thing that stood out to me was why you didn’t want me to have sex with anyone other than you?”

Dan can hear the smirk in Phil’s voice. “Yeah, about that.”

“Yeah?”

“Most of these are subject to change. I mean, who am I to tell you who to fuck and who to not? We’re not dating, hell, we don’t even like each other. So if you really want, you can fuck who you wan—“

“Dan.”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t mind. You make me feel… Good.”

Dan rolls his eyes before smirking. “Just good?”

“Fine, you make me feel great. Fantastic. No words to describe the way you make me feel every time you suck my cock,” Phil laughs, shifting on his bed at the thought of Dan’s mouth around him again. 

“Really now?” Dan asks, his voice low, and suddenly both of them feel that this phone call isn’t all innocent anymore. 

“What are you doing right now?” Phil asks through the phone. He’s scooting back to rest his back against his headboard, hand inching towards his zipper. 

“What do you want me to be doing right now?” Dan answers, smirk never fading as he hears Phil let out a shaky breath. 

“I want you to be touching yourself thinking about me. If that’s what you want,” Phil says breathlessly, Dan concluding that his hand’s already around his own cock. 

“I want that,” Dan confirms, scooting back on his bed and unbuttoning his pants. He pulls out his half hard cock, stroking it slowly to full hardness. He lets out a low moan and tilts his head back, hand gripping on his phone tightly. 

“Feel good?” Phil asks, stroking himself faster. He bites his lip to hold back a moan, waiting for Dan to respond. 

“Yeah,” Dan says back, twisting his hand on every upstroke, precum starting to bubble at his tip. He twitches as he runs his finger over his tip lightly, sucking in a harsh breath. 

“I’m kind of sad that we didn’t do anything today,” Phil says, feigning disappointment. He hears Dan whine from the other side, taking it as his cue to keep going. “I would’ve loved to blow you again. Hear your little noises, feel the way you slowly lose control over yourself as I render you weak.”

“Phil,” Dan whimpers, his hand moving faster.

“Close?” Phil asks, his voice husky and low. He’s nearing his orgasm himself, and he can tell by the way Dan is panting on the other line that he’s close himself, but he just wants to hear Dan’s voice crack in pleasure. 

“Yeah,” Dan exhales, his chest heaving and his hips canting into his hand as he imagines Phil’s mouth around him again, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, Phi- Phil!”

Dan spills over his hand, letting out broken moans as he spurts string after string over his chest and stomach. He hears Phil let out a strained noise resembling something like his name followed by a string of curse words. 

“God, that was good,” Phil says after calming down from his high. 

“Yeah,” Dan replies, equally breathless. They stay silent for a while, the weird awkward tension filling the air around them, despite everything they just established between them. Well, everything except the label. 

“Hey, Phil?” 

“Yeah?”

“What are we?”

“They call this weird arrangement friends with benefits, right?”

“Right.” 

Another pause is shared.

“So we’re friends with benefits, then?” Dan asks.

Phil smiles, loving the sound of it. “Yeah, I guess we are.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what’s this? an update for a fic i haven’t written for in over two months????? yeah it is!!! and i’ve already got the next chapter prepped for thursday!!! i’m so sorry that i’ve been mia and not writing and everything; depression rly hit me hard and i’ve been having possibly the hardest couple weeks in a while. i’m getting better though and i’m healing, so more writing is on the way! thank you so much for those who are still interested in reading this and for being patient, it means a lot considering that i haven’t been updating. i hope you enjoy!!!
> 
> smut warnings for this chapter: blow jobs, heavy make out scenes, mentions of fingering, just more sex in a closet ;) ;)

A couple weeks pass after they’d agreed on a label, and nothing much changes. Phil is very adamant about only talking and interacting with Dan in detention. He still continues to ignore Dan in the halls, and Dan still sticks to being the guy that everyone ignores. 

But when they’re in detention, it’s like all of that disappears. 

“You know what I find funny,” Dan asks after they take a break from making out. They had to wait, of course, until after the detention coordinator left the room, but right when she did, Dan was on Phil’s lap and they were kissing hungrily. Phil lifts an eyebrow, waiting for Dan to continue.

“We’re not technically friends with benefits.”

Phil’s stomach drops, not liking the sound of what Dan is trying to say. He thought they already went over this thing. The label is just reassurance for Dan and Phil could care less about what he’s doing as long as he’s not forced to commit to something. 

“We’re not?” Phil questions, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable with Dan sitting on his lap. He feels like he can’t breathe. He doesn’t want this conversation to go where he thinks it is going. 

“No,” Dan smirks, flicking his fringe away from his eyes before locking his gaze with Phil. He face changes slightly when he sees how worried Phil has become and an amused smirk plays along his lips. 

“Don’t worry, I’m not asking for anything,” Dan laughs, “It’s just we’re not actually friends, so the friends part of the label doesn’t really make much sense.”

Phil exhales and rolls his eyes, “I’m still confused as to why we need one in the first place. Isn’t what we’re doing feel good?”

Dan shrugs, but connects their lips anyways. Dan wanted the label because it kept him from doing anything else, kept his hopes from getting too high, and kept him from being too disappointed in Phil’s poor choices. He doesn’t want to be able to think that this could ever escalate into something good, nor does he want to think that Phil would actually change for the better from this relationship if Dan asked for something more.

Not that Dan would ask for something more. Not even if Phil looks incredibly hot and cute, and definitely not even when he starts to act like the person Dan used to know and be friends with.

Dan didn’t like entertaining the thought all that much. It makes his heart hurt every time he dwells on it too much, so he shoves it in a box and to the back of his mind, focusing now on the fact that he and Phil both agreed that they were only using each other to take their anger out, and for Dan to feel less lonely, though he would never tell Phil that. 

He presses his lips harder against Phil’s and Phil returns the kiss with equal energy. His hands are roaming Dan’s body, not even stopping once. He slides his hands under Dan’s shirt, feeling the smooth skin under his fingertips. Dan groans as Phil lightly drags his fingernails down his back. They’re getting eager now, so Dan pulls away, a hungry look in his eyes.

“Come on, let’s take this somewhere else,” Dan says, taking Phil’s hand and dragging him out of the classroom. 

“Alright,” Phil agrees, smiling a gentle smile before connecting their lips again. He follows Dan to the closet, eyes fluttering shut as Dan drops to his knees. 

-

It’s a few days later and Dan finds himself having the most frustrating day of his life. Nothing had been going right from the moment he opened his eyes; he woke up late, causing him to miss the bus, he forgot to do his homework for a class where it really counted, and he was forced to do laps in PE because his coach was having a bad day as well. 

When Dan enters detention, he doesn’t say anything to Phil; he keeps his eyes glued to the detention coordinator, his jaw clenched in attempt to rid the stress and tension from today. It doesn’t work. 

Phil watches Dan carefully. It’s been a while since he’s seen Dan like this. The anger and frustration is apparent, and though Dan didn’t talk to Phil at all today, Phil feels as if this is his fault. He feels a weird sort of pressure that it’s up to him to fix whatever problem Dan has, whatever it takes to make Dan feel better. He shakes his head and dismisses the thought quickly, but keeps his eyes glued to Dan as the detention coordinator walks out of the room.

“Dan?” Phil asks after a moment, his voice quiet as if he wanted to avoid interrupting whatever was going on in Dan’s head.

“Yes, Phil?” Dan replies stoically. 

“Are you okay?” 

Dan just shakes his head and he stills, trying to hold his breath in attempt not to cry. Phil can see that Dan’s thinking about something; he’s seen this expression on Dan before when they were still best friends. He knew Dan had a habit of trying to keep in his feelings, rationalising that it’s no big deal in his head before swiftly moving on. Phil does it too, but Dan does it in a way that wears him down without him even knowing it. 

Phil opens his mouth to say something else, but Dan breaks the silence by moving out of his seat and into Phil’s lap, kissing hard and fast. Phil inhales a surprised breath, but returns the kiss nonetheless. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Dan breathes against Phil’s mouth, making Phil’s eyes flutter. Phil wants to, god he wants to, but Dan should probably talk about what happened so that he would feel better mentally. 

“Yeah,” Phil agrees, “But do you want to talk first?”

His voice is a little shaky as Dan attaches his mouth to Phil’s neck, pressing his lips to the column and sucking ever so slightly.

“Mmm,” Dan responds, pretending to think about it, “I’d rather do something else.”

Dan’s hand snakes between them, squeezing Phil’s length, which had started growing since Dan placed himself in Phil’s lap. Dan stands from Phil’s lap and extends a hand to which Phil takes; Phil’s brain much too addled with lust to have a proper conversation anyways. He lets Dan lead him to the janitor’s closet, pushing Dan against the door once it was closed. 

He presses his lips harshly against Dan’s before moving to suck on his bottom lip. Dan inhales sharply, wrapping his arms around Phil and pulling him even closer.

“Fuck, Phil, you’re so good at this,” Dan says after Phil pulls away to attach his lips to Dan’s neck. 

“Mm, just wanna make you feel good,” Phil mumbles against Dan’s neck, biting ever so slightly. Dan shivers at the feeling, letting out a little moan as Phil starts palming the outline of his cock. Dan bites his lip and lets Phil make him feel good, the stress of today slowly melting away. He’s grateful he has Phil here with him, seeming like he wants Dan to feel better. Dan knows that’s not the case, but it’s a good thought nonetheless.

Phil runs his free hand under Dan’s shirt, scratching lightly down Dan’s back, making Dan arch and press even closer against Phil. Dan tries to touch Phil and make him feel the same pleasure he’s feeling. Phil holds his hand still and looks up at him with hooded eyelids, “Relax. Let me help you feel good.”

Dan moans out and lets out a shaky breath, nodding to let Phil know to continue. Phil presses his lips to Dan’s neck again, sucking lightly enough to not leave any marks. He takes the end of Dan’s t-shirt and lifts it up, licking his lips as he takes in the view. Dan wraps his arms around Phil and their eyes meet.

Time seems to stop for Dan in this moment. Nothing else seems to matter as Phil’s eyes bore into his with concern, trust, lust, safety. He hasn’t felt like this about Phil in a very long time. He swallows, breaking their eye contact before he can think anymore. The whole reason why he’s in here with Phil is to not think, so he acts quickly to get back on track. He pecks Phil’s lips before moving his hands to Phil’s shoulders, pushing down slightly to give Phil the idea.

Phil doesn’t protest as he kneels in front of Dan. He mouths over Dan’s jeans, and though he can’t feel anything through the thick material, he still keens and makes a whimpering noise. Phil smiles against Dan’s cock before using skilled fingers to undo his jeans. He slides them off with Dan’s boxers, leaving Dan completely naked while Phil completely clothed. 

“Too many clothes,” Dan mutters, his eyes already shut and head tilted against the door in pleasure. Phil appeases Dan by lifting off his own shirt, tossing it to the general area of where Dan’s clothes are. 

“Happy?” Phil teases, grazing his lips over Dan’s cock. He can’t help but smile as it twitches against his lips, his tongue darting out just a bit along Dan’s length as he makes his way to the tip. He takes just the tip in his mouth, sucking lightly before pulling off, moving his lips back down to the base. He does this a couple times and it’s not nearly enough for Dan. Dan’s growing impatient, his body shaking at the anticipation. 

“Gonna make you feel so good,” Phil whispers, finally taking Dan into his mouth. He slides down, taking inch by inch until he’s halfway. He starts to bob his head and brings his right hand to the base, stroking what isn’t covered by his mouth. Dan groans and threads his fingers through Phil’s hair, his stomach tensing as Phil continues to swallow around him. 

Phil pulls off to breathe, but he continues to move his hand around Dan. His other hand takes Dan’s balls, rolling them between his fingers before moving to press right behind them. Dan cries out, his grip in Phil’s hair tightening. Phil runs his fingers over that spot repeatedly before moving again, closer to Dan’s hole.

“Bet you’d look hot around my fingers, Dan,” Phil says without thinking. He surprises himself, but Dan’s breathing stutters, and _shit,_ is that a thing Dan likes? Is that something he does? Phil wants to know, so he asks him. 

  
“You like that? The idea of my fingers inside you, stretching you open so you can take my cock? Have you ever done it before?” Phil asks, his hand around Dan moving even faster. His mouth waters as he catches Dan’s tip leaking precum continuously. He leans in to lick it up, his tongue dipping into Dan’s slit as he does so. 

“Fuck!” Dan moans out, his body struggling to stay still. He’s warm everywhere, arms trembling as he tries to hold himself up. His cock is a very angry red and he really wants Phil’s mouth back on him, but he also doesn’t want Phil to stop talking. He feels like his breath is knocked out his lungs when Phil moves his fingers away from his perineum.

“Answer my question,” Phil demands, his lips going back to teasingly trace along Dan’s length. 

Dan whimpers, hips pushing towards Phil’s mouth. “Fuck, no, I haven’t, but Phil, I swear to god I am so fucking close please—!”

He doesn’t even have a chance to finish his sentence as Phil wraps his lips around the head, sinking down, down, down, until he’s at the base. It takes a bit for Phil to adjust because it’s too much too fast, but he decides it’s worth it because Dan is almost there. Phil’s swallowing and trying his best to breathe, and Dan’s muttering a warning under his breath, but he needs one more thing, one little thing. 

“I n-need— I need—“ 

Phil isn’t even thinking when does it. He presses a dry finger against Dan’s entrance and Dan downright wails, his body quaking as his eyes roll to the back of his head, shooting hot spurts of cum down Phil’s throat. Phil moans as he swallows Dan’s load, pulling off afterwards to catch his breath. He’s practically heaving after Dan’s finished, but when he looks up and sees Dan’s blissful face, he doesn’t even seem to care about himself anymore. 

It takes a long time for Phil to find the ability to stand up again, his knees absolutely aching as he tries to get back up. He smiles widely once he’s back to eye level with Dan though, and Dan smiles back, his face the epitome of calm. 

“That was good,” Dan says, pulling Phil into a hug. His lips kiss along Phil’s neck lazily, eyes fluttering shut as he inhales the mixed scent of sweat and sex on Phil. “Want me to return the favour?”

Phil shakes his head, “It’s fine. It’s just about you today since you’ve had a bad one.”

Dan frowns and tries to reach his hand down. He’s stopped by Phil grabbing his wrist. 

“I’m serious,” Phil says, but he’s still smiling. “I’ll come up with a way for you to return the favour some time in the future. Did I make you feel better?”

“You did,” Dan smiles, “Thank you.” 

It’s silent between them for a while as they fumble around for their clothing, the atmosphere notably a lot less sexy now that Dan isn’t hard anymore. Dan tries not to think about how sincere Phil sounded when he asked if he made Dan feel better. He tries not to think about how his heartbeat is speeding up at how soft Phil’s voice was when he said it and how it felt like Phil genuinely cared. He holds his breath as he puts his shirt back on, hand wrapping around the doorknob and watching Phil sort his hair out. 

“You ready to go?” Dan asks. 

“Yeah,” Phil replies, and Dan opens the door. They make their way back to the detention room just in time. When they exit the school, they both part ways, but not before Dan says thank you again.

“It’s not like I didn’t enjoy it, Dan,” Phil says, a smirk playing on his lips. Dan shivers as Phil turns around to walk away, and he bites his lip to keep himself from saying something that he might regret. He doesn’t even realise that he’s smiling at Phil until Phil disappears from sight. When he catches himself, his heart stutters.

He’s so screwed. 

He’s so fucking screwed. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii i’m sorry for not updating regularly :( between classes and mental health and the pressures of graduating and clubs, i’ve been beyond busy and haven’t had time for myself. i hope this makes it up though!!! i hope you enjoy <333
> 
>  
> 
> warnings for this particular chapter: friends with benefits, blow jobs, heavy make out scenes, anal sex, weird intimacy, enemies to friends with benefits to lovers, bottom!phil ;) ;)

As time passes, their mutual hatred diminishes into almost nothingness. After Dan’s bad day, they both felt like they couldn’t get enough of each other. They both felt closer to each other in a strange sense, though they would never admit that to each other. 

Behind the closed doors of the detention classroom, Dan always finds himself in Phil’s lap, loving the way his lips feel against his own. Phil looks at him like he’s the only person in the world and Dan feels a little surge of power at the thought. 

When they’re out of the classroom and Phil’s in his usual group of friends, he pays no attention to Dan, only making sure to throw obvious glares his way. Dan winks in response, knowing that he doesn’t actually mean it; not anymore anyway. They rarely fight anymore, all of the time they spend together used on making out and getting each other off. 

There are some times where their little agreement feels like something more. When they’re not fucking, Dan’s often showing Phil a new song that he came across and talking about how he thought Phil would appreciate it.

In detention one afternoon, Dan walks in with a smile on his face, holding up a video game. His smile grows wider when Phil realises what it is, his whole face lighting up as he makes grabby hands towards Dan. 

“Did you want me or the game?” Dan jokes, tossing the game at Phil. 

“The game,” Phil smirks, hearing Dan’s groan at the very outdated joke. 

“I walked into that one, didn’t I?” 

“Yep,” Phil laughs, eyes shining as they run over the video game cover. “How did you even manage to get this?” 

“I have my ways, Lester,” Dan replies, sitting down in his chair and continuing to stare at Phil. Even when Phil doesn’t mean to, he looks attractive. Dan doesn’t even remember when he started looking at Phil as someone more than just a person that he liked to fool around with. He sees the curiosity behind Phil’s eyes, loves the way Phil’s mouth is twitched up in a smile. He loves kissing those lips and hearing the moans that leave them every time he does something right. 

He doesn’t realise how turned on he is until he changes positions in his seat.

“Hey, how do you feel about coming over tonight?” Dan says, breaking the silence. Phil looks at Dan, a confused expression written across his face. “I just mean to play the game with me?”

“Oh,” Phil says, face changing slowly to a smirk, “Are you sure that’s all you wanna do if I come over?” 

Dan’s cheeks suddenly heat up and he hides his face in his hands. 

“Shut up,” he mumbles, ears turning pink as he hears Phil giggle.

“Yeah, I can come over after this,” Phil answers, leaning back in his chair and giving Dan a knowing look. Dan can’t even bring himself to look at Phil anymore, afraid that his face will flush even more and make him look like a tomato. Phil hands Dan the game back and pats his lap, lip jutting out slightly in the most endearing pout. “Now come over here and stop acting like a stranger.”

-

The video game is forgotten when they get to Dan’s house. They’re impatient when they make it to Dan’s room, both of them shoving their backpacks off before closing the door, Dan pulling Phil to the bed. 

They fall into bed with connected lips, Phil hovering over Dan and grinding his hips down. 

“It’s been a while since I got you like this,” Phil whispers hotly in Dan’s ear, nibbling lightly on Dan’s earlobe before moving down to Dan’s neck. Flashbacks of Phil on top of Dan in the bathroom run through Dan’s mind.

“Fuck,” Dan sighs, “You’re right.”

“I wanna take my time tonight if that’s okay with you,” Phil says before sucking lightly on Dan’s neck, tongue darting out to lick against Dan, making Dan shudder beneath him. 

Dan’s heart stops. He wants that type of intimacy so bad, but this is Phil, his supposed fuck buddy. He can’t let himself fall for this guy especially after what he did to him. Though now it’s hard to think about why he was ever mad at Phil in the first place, why he _shouldn’t_ fall for this guy, when Phil’s touching him the right way in all of the right places. Dan feels himself nodding without even thinking about it, and when his eyes flutter open, he’s met with Phil’s lustful gaze and smug smile. 

“Good,” Phil confirms, pecking Dan’s lips before sliding his hands under Dan’s shirt. Dan shivers and wraps his arms around Phil’s neck, pulling him closer and losing himself in his scent. Phil shifts their position a little so that Dan is sitting up, and then he pulls Dan’s shirt off. Phil tugs off his own shirt and leans in to kiss Dan again. This time with more passion. It’s a little messy, but he’s also incredibly hard in his jeans, and he really wants to keep going. He starts to grind against Dan again, laying Dan back down and sliding their hips together. Dan’s gasping into the kiss seeming like he’s forgotten how to breathe, so Phil disconnects their lips, but he keeps grinding into Dan. 

Phil makes his way down Dan’s chest, stopping at one of Dan’s nipples and wrapping his mouth around it. If there’s one thing that Dan can admit that he loves about Phil, it would without a doubt be his mouth. He knows exactly what to do with it and knows how to apply just the right amount of pressure to make Dan see stars. 

“Fuck,” Dan moans, hands moving to grip Phil’s hair, tugging at the dark locks. Phil moves to the other nipple to do the same thing before moving even lower. He drags his lips down Dan’s stomach, kissing along Dan’s happy trail before planting a firm kiss over Dan’s cock. Dan’s hips keen forward and Phil reaches one of his hands to Dan’s hip to hold him in place. 

Once Dan calms down a bit, Phil moves to unbutton his jeans. He slides Dan’s boxers off with it, marvelling at the way Dan’s cock springs free. He can’t help himself as he leans in and drags his lips up and down along Dan’s length, loving the way Dan moans and twitches as he does so. When he makes his way back to the top, his lips wrap around just the tip, sucking and running his tongue over the head. This makes Dan’s hips buck up again, making Phil pull off. 

“Dan?”

“Yeah?” Dan responds, voice a little wrecked. 

“Can I fuck you?” Phil asks, hand starting to stroke Dan again. It momentarily distracts Dan from the weight of the question. He thinks about it, he really does, but he’s heard of how painful it is to take it up the ass, and he isn’t quite sure if he’s ready for that yet. 

“I don’t know,” Dan answers truthfully. He really doesn’t know if it will be worth it. 

“That’s fine,” Phil says, not seeming bothered by Dan’s answer. He continues to stroke Dan’s cock, twisting his hand on the upstroke and occasionally running his hand over the head. It makes Dan forget about feeling guilty for not giving Phil a straight answer. 

“What about you fucking me?”

Dan nearly comes on the spot. His hand shoots to Phil’s to stop him. He has to take deep breaths because he really didn’t want to stop. 

“Wouldn’t it hurt you?” Dan asks. 

“You’re not the first guy that I’ve been with, you know. My older brother had the hottest friends and sometimes they would come over. I’m not that bothered by it, I actually really enjoy it,” Phil responds, cheeks flushed as memories of him being fucked by one of his brother’s friends come back to mind. It was painful at first, but after that experience Phil started to explore his sexuality and his body more. 

Dan feels a pang of jealousy when Phil admitted that he’s slept with other guys before. But like every other feeling he’s had about Phil, he tries to suppress it and uses sex as a distraction. His eyes flutter shut as he thinks about pushing into Phil for the first time, how it would feel for Phil to surround him completely. He sighs and feels himself nodding again. 

“Then god, I really wanna fuck you,” Dan replies. Phil’s face breaks out in a smile and they’re kissing again. Phil’s stripping off his jeans and boxers, throwing them to the other side of the room. 

“You got a condom?” Phil asks after they pull away. Phil gets up from the bed to fetch the lube from his backpack. 

“Uh, yeah, it’s in my wallet,” Dan says, getting out of bed too to get the condom. He tries not to think about how it should be weird that he and Phil are just walking around naked, but it feels oddly normal, like he trusts Phil enough to be like this.

When they get the stuff they’re looking for they crawl back into bed. 

“Do you want to tell me why you have lube in your backpack?” Dan questions, a smirk playing on his lips. 

“You never know when you might need it,” Phil replies cheekily. They assume the previous positions that they were in, Phil settling between Dan’s legs again. “I want you to watch as I stretch myself.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Dan gasps, his left hand reaching to stroke himself. Phil opens the lube and pours some onto his fingers, coating his fingers in the substance before leaning back on the bed. He places his free hand behind him on the bed to help him balance before moving his other hand between his legs. Dan can’t look away as he watches Phil’s forefinger circle his rim. Objectively, there’s nothing really hot about it. But then Dan’s looking at Phil’s face and how fucking gone he is and suddenly it’s the hottest thing Dan’s ever seen. 

When Phil pushes his finger in, he tosses his head back. Dan can tell that Phil is concentrating a fuck ton because Phil’s eyes are squeezed shut and he’s starting to shake. Phil keeps his finger still before pushing in deeper, adjusting slowly but surely. Dan’s hand on his cock slows as he watches Phil, making sure that he’s okay. 

Eventually Phil gets used to the feeling and he starts to push his finger in and out of his hole. He starts to add another finger, his breath catching as it enters again. Dan’s mesmerised the whole time, he swears he can feel himself dribbling because Phil just looks so good.

“I think I’m ready,” Phil says after he manages to fuck himself with three fingers. 

“Thank fuck,” Dan sighs, pulling Phil up and kissing him again. They stay like that for a while just kissing and bathing in the energy and anticipation of what is about to happen. They’re both still incredibly hard considering all of the foreplay and teasing they did to each other. Dan’s surprised that he’s managed to survive this long.

Phil takes the condom from Dan’s bedside table and tears it open with his teeth. He rolls it on Dan’s cock and he licks his lips. 

“God, I’ve wanted this for a long time,” Phil tells Dan as he grabs the lube. He pours some on Dan’s cock and strokes to coat all of him. Then he’s moving until his hole is hovering over Dan’s cock.

“Ready?” Phil asks, one hand splayed on Dan’s chest and the other on Dan’s cock, guiding it into his hole. When Dan respond with a yes, Phil inhales sharply as he starts to sink down. Dan’s bigger than his fingers, so Phil feels incredibly stretched as he continues to sink on Dan’s cock. 

“ _Phil,”_ Dan whines, his whole body shaking to keep himself from fucking into Phil’s hot, tight hole. He doesn’t want to hurt Phil, but _god_ , it feels so good. 

“Let me adjust,” Phil says through gritted teeth. They wait in a weird kind of silence — though Dan’s still panting and making little whimpers as Phil goes down inch by painfully slow inch. 

It takes a bit, but Phil finally adjusts, and soon he’s fucking himself properly on Dan’s cock. Dan can’t contain his noises anymore. He’s taking Phil’s hands into his, lacing their fingers together as Phil bounces on his cock. He’s close. The coil in his stomach is tightening, but he needs it be faster, a little rougher. 

He doesn’t want to hurt Phil though, so he says, “Phil, if you can, please go faster, I’m close.”

Phil tries his best, but it’s not enough. Something snaps in Dan and he’s sitting up, pushing Phil onto the bed and hovering over him. Phil lets out a loud moan, his body twitching at the sudden change.

“Fuck me, Dan,” Phil whispers, and that’s all Dan needs to start thrusting into Phil. 

Phil can’t even think as Dan’s length brushes against his prostate, making his toes curl and his mind go blank. He’s scratching down Dan’s back, but neither of them notice. They’re chasing after something that matters much more. Phil reaches between them to grab his own cock, stroking in time of Dan’s thrusts. Their lips meet again, but they aren’t really kissing. They’re just panting against each other’s mouths as they chase after their orgasms.

Dan hits his first. He snaps his hips hard and fast, making Phil see stars every time. Dan continues to thrust so that he can work himself through his orgasm, but also to help Phil achieve his. Phil downright wails, back arching up and splattering cum between their chests. Dan slows his hips and pulls out of Phil very slowly. He collapses next to Phil, chest still heaving as he tries to catch his breath. 

He turns to Phil, who has this calm and fucked out look on his face. He’s smiling contentedly at Dan, and Dan’s feelings towards Phil hits him hard and fast and out of nowhere. Dan isn’t even sure when his heart started beating fast again, but he’s never seen a guy so gorgeous before. Before he can even keep himself from thinking more about it, Phil’s leaning in and pressing a sweet kiss to his lips. Dan melts and kisses back. 

“Shit, is it really that late already?” Phil’s eyes widen as he sees the time on Dan’s clock. He’s out of bed before Dan even realise it, pulling on his clothes and trying to fix his messy hair. 

“Do you have to go?” Dan asks without thinking. Luckily Phil doesn’t notice as he frantically tries to sort himself out. 

“Yeah, but don’t worry I’ll see you tomorrow,” Phil promises, not even thinking about the distance in Dan’s voice. He’s out of Dan’s room before Dan can even say goodbye.

Dan pulls his covers over him, suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable. He doesn’t know what they just did, but there’s an ache in his chest and the craving for Phil’s body against his. He wants Phil in his arms when he falls asleep, and he still wants Phil to be there when he wakes up. He can’t imagine doing anything like this other than with Phil. He only wants Phil. 

Dan’s breath hitches when he catches himself thinking that. 

He only wants Phil. 

Dan barely falls asleep that night. He doesn’t want to have feelings for Phil, he _can’t_ have feelings for Phil.

_But being with him feels so good_ , Dan thinks as he finally drifts to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been 84 years....
> 
> no but really hi i'm updating this again and i'm determined to keep a steady schedule for it until it's finished.
> 
> if not, you have full permission to yell at me and shit.
> 
> but hey, i'm really gonna push myself and i already have a draft for the next chapter, so it should be up next thursday!
> 
> thank you for everyone who has been reading and leaving comments and kudos! here's a nice chapter to stir up some drama. see you next thursday, and look forward to the oneshot i upload on sunday! <3333

It’s hard to accept that he has feelings for Phil, especially considering everything that they have been through. 

He’s not entirely sure how they’ve even managed to get into this position. One minute they’re hating each other’s guts, and then the next they’re making out and fucking as if they’ve been infatuated with each other forever. 

He tries the same monologue he always gives himself, the same reasoning that has kept him mad for so long; that Phil never, ever cared for him, and he never will. Dan wrote it himself in the rules when he said that there should be no strings attached, knowing just the type of person Phil is.

But he didn’t anticipate catching feelings for the one guy that once stabbed him in the back.

Ever since Dan slept with Phil, he hasn’t been able to sleep, constantly thinking about how in a different universe, things would be different. A universe where Phil stood up for Dan when he was being beat up by dickheads. A universe where Dan would cry and hide in Phil’s arms every time his head veered in a dark direction. A universe where Phil would look at Dan like he’s the only guy he knows, and hold him and kiss him gently and with care. A universe where Dan and Phil’s friendship blossomed into something so much more secure and happy. 

But this isn’t the universe Dan was given at all. Instead, he’s given a reality where Phil beat him up to fit in, where Dan had no choice but to keep to himself because Phil managed to get their grade wrapped around his finger. A reality where Dan’s fallen madly in love with Phil even though Phil will never love him back. 

It’s pathetic, catching feelings for a person who has never shown kindness to him once. Dan tries to look deep inside his mind to find the reason why he would ever fall for someone as careless as Phil Lester. Phil Lester, who has only hooked up and seduced people for sex, who has shown Dan that he never cared for him at all, is the person Dan can’t stop thinking about, no matter what he tells himself. 

He doesn’t want these feelings, but _fuck_ , they’re there, and they don’t seem to be dying down. 

It’s starting to get dangerous doing shit with him in detention now. If Dan stops, even for a moment, to look into Phil’s blue eyes, or his plump and luscious lips, Dan can feel his stomach flip and his heart race, and he gets terrified that Phil will catch on. When his mouth’s around Phil’s cock and Phil’s looking down at Dan, pupils blown and hand gently running through Dan’s hair, Dan feels overwhelmed and like he wants to do anything to please Phil as long as it keeps Phil looking at him like _that._

And Dan doesn’t even know how or when he started thinking like this, but now that he realised that’s _all_ he thinks about, he doesn’t even know how to stop. 

It takes all of his willpower to not talk to Phil when they pass each other in the halls and cling onto him as if he’s his boyfriend. Dan can’t help the glares he shoots at Phil’s arm candy and feeling a pit in his stomach when he sees Phil smirk at him. It’s not fair that he gets to have this while Dan’s left pining. But if Dan even utters a word to Phil about his feelings, he knows he’s going to lose Phil forever.

He wishes he was exaggerating. 

It took them years to get to this weird, but close, relationship. They’re no longer fighting and Dan no longer feels this resentment towards Phil, and Phil isn’t treating Dan like shit anymore. Dan would happily take this over anything else, and if he loses it, he doesn’t know how he’d survive the repercussions.

So Dan tries his best to put his thoughts in a box and shove it deep into a drawer, tries his hardest to forget about these stupid, unrequited feelings he has for Phil. 

  
He’s lying in bed again, stuck in this state between awake and asleep. His body’s tired, but his mind is racing, thinking about Phil and what could have been and what could be. He’s pulled out of his thoughts when he gets a text. 

Using all of his willpower, he grabs his phone from his bedside drawer and squints his eyes to adjust to the screen.

 

**One message from _Louise Pentland._**

 

Dan’s eyes lit up and he quickly unlocks his phone, fingers fumbling as he reads the message. 

 

**_Louise Pentland:_ ** _Dan!!!! I know it’s late but I just landed at the airport_

**_Louise Pentland:_ ** _I’m coming to visit for a bit!_

**_Dan Howell:_ ** _i rly hope u aren’t shitting me rn_

**_Dan Howell:_ ** _u hoe i missed u sm :(_

**_Louise Pentland:_ ** _I’m here!!!!_

**_Louise Pentland:_ ** _And totally jet lagged_

**_Louise Pentland:_ ** _So you should totally tell me how you’ve been bc I’ve missed you too_

**_Dan Howell:_ ** _it’s a fucking trip,,,, i don’t think you’re ready_

**_Louise Pentland:_ ** _Try me, Howell_

**_Dan Howell:_ ** _well, do you know phil lester?_

_-_

It’s around six in the morning when Dan finishes talking to Louise. It’s been so long since he felt genuinely cared for and like he has an actual friend that he can talk about his problems. He was absolutely devastated when Louise moved away, especially since it was during the time that Phil was hurting him the most. 

It felt good knowing that Louise was on the other side, listening to him and giving him valid advice. Well, kind of valid. 

She said that Dan should confess his feelings to Phil because he has no idea what Phil feels. For all he knows, Phil could feel the same way, but he’s just good at hiding it. She made the point to say that Dan will never know if he never tries. Dan tried to tell Louise that it wasn’t a good idea because of who Phil is, but the more he thought about it, the more he realised that Phil was a different person around Dan. 

In detention, he’s caring and passionate, and suddenly Dan’s reminded of the time he had a bad day and Phil tried his best to make him feel better. Maybe this could work out for them. Like Louise said, he’ll never know unless he tries. 

-

Even though Dan didn’t get any sleep that night, he finds himself somehow awake and energised. The more he thinks about, the more he thinks this might work. From the way Phil’s been acting around him lately to the way he looked at Dan when he was fucking himself down on his cock, Dan can’t help but think that there’s a chance between him and Phil. 

He gets to school with adrenaline pumping through his veins, determined to tell Phil how he really feels. He weaves through the busy halls of the school on the way to Phil’s locker, heart beating fast, palms sweaty with every takes towards Phil’s locker. 

When he gets to Phil’s locker, his heart stops. 

Phil’s lips are connected with another girl’s, his body pressing her’s into the lockers. There are students quickly scurrying by Phil, afraid of making a scene as they know Phil would ruin them if they made a big deal. Dan doesn’t realise he’s been standing and staring until the girl’s eyes open and she’s pushing Phil away. 

“Uh, do you mind?” The girl asks Dan, causing Phil to turn around. Phil swallows hard as he locks eyes with Dan. 

“Sorry,” Dan says, turning on his heel and heading in the opposite direction. 

“Dan, wait,” Phil calls out, but Dan isn’t listening. His legs speed up and suddenly he’s running, away from Phil and to the bathroom, sliding to the floor and putting his head in his hands.

-

He forces himself to go to detention because he hates himself - and because his academic record is in danger due to his lack of motivation to do his homework and attend his lessons. 

He holds his breath as Phil sits next to him, though he takes a glance at him. Phil doesn’t seem too well either, his hair messed up and face red. Dan wants to believe that it’s because he was just as upset with what happened this morning as Dan and not because he was having a quickie with the girl he was with. The thought makes Dan’s hands ball up into fists and blow air hard through his nose. 

Phil turns his head, tilting his head to the side and shooting Dan a curious look. Dan rolls his eyes and looks the other way. 

“Dan,” Phil says after the detention moderator leaves, “What’s wrong?”

Dan turns his head back to Phil, shooting him a glare and saying, “What’s wrong? Nothing’s wrong. Fuck off.”

Guess they’re back at square one. 

“What’s with the attitude? What did I do?” Phil moves closer to Dan, putting his hand on top of Dan’s. Dan swipes his hand away. 

“Why don’t you ask the girl that was hanging all over you this morning?” Dan says bitterly.

“Dan, she didn’t mean anything. You know that,” Phil says, sliding closer to Dan. His hand somehow ends up on Dan’s thigh and Dan bites his lip to resist the temptation in front of him. He’s much more mad anyways. 

“Then you shouldn’t have kissed her.”  


“Why should it matter anyways? We’re not dating, and you said I could in the rules.”

Dan’s lips press into a thin line and says, “Yeah. You’re right. We’re just fucking. I forgot.”

“Dan…” 

“You know what, Phil? Forget it, I’m just. Forget it. Tell the teacher I’m sick, I’m really not feeling well anymore.”

“Wait, Dan—“

Dan grabs his stuff and leaves before Phil finishes, leaving Phil alone and confused. 

Detention and academic record be damned; Dan’s fucking tired of this shit.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii lookit i uploaded on time! i hope you enjoy this chapter and definitely let me know what you think! <3
> 
> warnings in this chapter: friends with benefits, angst and heartbreak, dan thinking negative thoughts, anal sex, bottom!phil, alcohol, they get drunk and have sex

Dan can’t stop the tears running from his eyes when as he walks home. His vision is blurry as his eyes stay glued to the ground, hands shoved in his pockets as he follows the familiar path home.

He can’t believe he let himself think that Phil Lester would ever have feelings for him. All of those looks of lust and soft smiles were fake, just tools to help Phil rope Dan’s heart and make him fall in love with him. And God, did Dan fall in love with him. 

These feelings, at this point, can’t be turned off anymore. It’s like a physical ache in his chest every time he thinks about Phil, a longing to be with him and to hold and kiss whenever he pleases.  
  
Seeing Phil kissing that girl and then turning around and telling Dan that what’s between them means almost nothing fucking hurt. Like he ripped out his heart and ripped it to pieces and fucking laughed as he did so, as if Dan never meant anything to him at all. 

And Dan guesses he never really did to Phil. 

Dan wipes his eyes once more before entering his house and being greeted with the smell of his mum’s cooking. 

“Hey, Bear! I’m almost finished with the food. Wanna taste?” His mum calls from the kitchen.   
  
Somehow the act of kindness makes Dan cry even more, his twisted mind thinking that he doesn’t deserve this type of treatment. So much shit has happened today and Dan isn’t entirely sure he can trust anything good that comes his way right now. He sniffles and puts down his backpack by the door. 

“Uh, no thanks,” Dan lies, voice cracking as he speaks, “It was a long day today, so I think I’m just going to take a nap before dinner.”

“That’s fine, Bear. I’ll come up and wake you when your dad gets home,” His mum says warmly.

Dan’s eyes water before he says, “Thanks, Mum.”

He trudges quietly up the stairs and collapses on his bed. He lets the sobs wrack through his chest, feeling just as betrayed as he did back when Phil stopped being his friend. 

He calms down after a few minutes, body curled into itself and hair a fucking mess. He’s about to drift to sleep when his phone starts ringing. He jerks up and his heart speeds up when he sees the screen. 

 

**Incoming Call from _Phil Lester_**

 

Dan’s finger hovers over the ignore button, feeling a little too sad to even try to answer and face Phil. 

But Phil could also be calling to confess his own feelings to Dan, and that Dan was right to react the way that he did in detention. 

At the very last second, he hits the answer button, holding the phone to his ear with trembling hands. 

“Yeah?” Dan says.

“Dan,” Phil answers back, “You should come over.”

His words are slurred and he doesn’t sound present at all. In fact, he sounds completely hammered. 

“Get drunk with me, Daaaaaan,” Phil whines in the phone. Dan feels his heart shatters, but he already finds himself standing up, grabbing his coat, and telling his mum that he’ll be gone for a bit. He feels incredibly bad, but if Phil’s never going to return his feelings, then he’ll take any excuse to hang out with him he can, even if it is bad for him. Phil’s bad, nothing new. 

-

Dan knocks on Phil’s bedroom door before entering, though he’s pretty sure Phil didn’t hear it.

Music is blaring from Phil’s laptop speakers and there are clothes littered across his floor. His bed is unmade and Phil is sitting on top of the ruffled duvet, taking swigs of whiskey straight from the bottle. Dan winces because he knows it isn’t going down as easily as Phil is making it seem. 

“Dan!!!” Phil shouts excitedly, and a little too loudly. “Come,” He holds the bottle out to Dan, “Take a drink.”

“Phil, are you okay?” Dan asks, stepping into Phil’s room and closing the bedroom door behind him. He makes his way to Phil and takes the bottle from his hand. Phil’s smiling up at him dreamily and takes Dan’s hand softly into his. Dan feels his heart stutter. 

Phil guides Dan’s hand, helping him press the bottle to his lips and encouraging Dan to take a drink. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Phil answers with a question, tilting his head endearingly and giving Dan a dopy smile. Dan finds it incredibly cute, even when he burps very loudly shortly after. 

It’s no secret that Phil’s completely drunk, he’s clinging onto Dan and making Dan drink more from the bottle so that they can get drunk together. Dan isn’t too adamant about getting drunk on a school night, but fuck it, he’s had a fucking long day. He chugs what he can without wanting to vomit on the spot and wipes his mouth. Phil gives him a soft and approving smile when their eyes meet.

It isn’t long before Dan’s near the same level of drunk that Phil is. They’re giggling over nothing, slurring their words and laughing at each other for being so fucking inebriated. 

“Dan Howell, you make such a pretty picture,” Phil slurs whimsically, eyes scanning Dan’s entire body. They both moved to lay down on the bed, barely holding themselves up with their hands. They’re passing the bottle and taking turns, hopelessly getting lost in the other person’s eyes.

“Shut up,” Dan mumbles, his pink tinted cheeks turning red. “If anything, you’re the gorgeous one.”

“Lies!” Phil accidentally yells, startling Dan and making him spill a little whiskey onto himself. They both explode into giggles about five seconds after and shuffle closer. 

“I want you,” Phil whispers, his lips inches away from Dan’s. Phil’s close enough that Dan can feel the heat radiating off his body, and Dan just wants to drown himself in the warmth and never leave it. 

He can’t think of a logical reason why he can’t, so he does. 

He smashes his lips unceremoniously onto Phil’s, closing the distance between their bodies and moving on top of Phil. His alcohol-addled brain can’t think of anything else but Phil— his scent, his mouth, his noises, his hands around Dan’s neck, his hips pushing up to meet Dan’s, his cock throbbing through his joggers. Dan wants more, can’t get enough of how Phil feels under him. He feels himself growing hard, but as he tries to sit up and adjust himself, his visions a little blurry and he finds he’s a little too drunk to be doing this right now. 

But then Phil is helping Dan and they’re fumbling with Dan’s zipper together until they somehow get it. Dan pulls his cock out, stroking to relieve himself. Phil’s eyes are glued to Dan’s hand on his cock, licking his lips and shifting underneath Dan. Dan knows Phil wants relief too, but he won’t give it to him unless he asks nicely. 

“Dan,” Phil whines, “Fuck me, please.”

Dan sobers up just enough to understand that they could quite possibly hurt Phil if they end up doing it. He starts to protest, “Phil, can’t. Will hurt you.”

“I stretched in the shower,” Phil says, fumbling with his own pants and tugging it off his legs, “Still slick for you. Was thinking of you.”

Phil bends his knees and hugs them to his chest, showing off his slightly slick hole to prove to Dan. Dan didn’t even realise how fast his hand was going until he almost came from the sight. He grips the base of his cock and he takes deep breaths, swearing loudly. He presses a finger in to test it, and his finger enters easily.

“Where’s your lube?” Dan asks in a husky voice, completely wrecked and turned on. He can’t think of anything else but how good it would feel to have Phil around him, clenching and whining and squirming around him. 

It seems to take a lot of power and energy for Phil to sit up and dig the lube out of his bedside drawer. He tosses it to Dan and Dan doesn’t waste any time squirting it onto his hand and coating his hard cock. 

He presses the tip to Phil’s hole and Phil moans loudly, arching his back and gripping the sheets. 

“You sure you’re okay?” Dan asks.

“Fucking get inside me, fuck,” Phil begs, hugging his legs closer to his chest, making himself look even more ravishing to Dan. Dan isn’t about to deny Phil and he pushes slowly. Phil gasps, his legs shaking as he struggles to keep his legs to his chest for Dan. His eyes are squeezed shut and knuckles are white as he’s gripping hard.

Everything’s hot and blurry and rushed and slow at the same time, and Phil finds himself getting lost in Dan. Dan’s hovering on top of him, letting out tiny grunts, his hair matted to his forehead and his entire chest flushed red. His biceps are tense from holding himself up over Phil, and Dan’s got his chapped lips between his teeth. Phil’s never seen anyone so sexy before.

“More, Dan,” Phil begs. Dan complies, thrusting his hips and aiming until Phil cries out, his cock twitching in between them. 

“I’m close,” Dan warns, his hips losing rhythm as Phil starts to clench around him. Phil reaches his hand in between them and starts stroking in time with Dan. Dan starts moving hard and deep in Phil, pounding his spot and making him see stars. It’s not long before Phil is spilling over his hand. Dan follows very shortly after, Phil clenching around him making it unbearably tight. 

When they come to, they clean up as best as they can, but they’re still a bit drunk, so they don’t do as well as they think they do. Phil pulls Dan in tight, Dan snuggling into Phil’s chest and Phil resting his chin on Dan’s head. Phil only lets himself have this type of peace for a few moments, not thinking about how he’s never had this type of intimacy before.

Sure, he’s slept with a lot of people, made out with them, and whatever, but he’s never felt this way about anyone before.

It scares him. 

He shifts uncomfortably, not being able to turn off the red flags in his mind. He isn’t entirely sure he’s talking until it’s too late.

“I like this friends with benefits thing we have. I don’t think I could ever do a real relationship.”

Dan stays still, feeling his heart shatter while being held in Phil’s arms.

“Why’s that?” Dan asks, willing himself not to cry.

“It’s just… How can anyone commit themselves to something so temporary? I just don’t see the point.”

“You seem awfully sober now,” Dan tries to joke, but it both goes over their heads. Phil thinks he should stop talking now, but he finds that he can’t. 

“I like what we have now. Sex is what we’re good at. Don’t wanna make it anymore complicated,” Phil tries to say more, but he can’t find the words. What he’s saying, he knows it sounds bad, but at least this will suppress any feelings, any positive feelings, he has for Dan. 

“Right,” Dan quietly agrees.

There’s a tense silence between them and Dan feels like he can’t fucking breathe.

“I’m gonna go now. I’ll see you maybe,” Dan says, pulling himself out of Phil’s arms and finding his clothes. Once he has them on, he doesn’t even glance at Phil as he leaves the room. 

It’s not like Phil notices Dan leaving anyways. His eyes are closed and his mouth is slack and he’s snoring lightly. Dan swears he hears his heart crack as he exits Phil’s house.

Of course Phil never liked him.

Of course all Dan is to Phil is a good fuck. 

It was stupid of Dan to fall in love with Phil. 

It was stupid of Dan to think Phil was ever capable of feeling anything other than nothing.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi sorry for not updating. it's been a rough few weeks, but i have this beautiful chapter. very proud of it, i hope it makes you feel feelings. comments and kudos are appreciated <3

**_Phil Lester:_ ** _Dan?_

**_Phil Lester:_ ** _Dan pls answer_

**_Phil Lester:_ ** _I’m sorry. I made a mistake_

**_Phil Lester:_ ** _Please talk to me._

 

Phil clicks off his phone, turns off the ringer, and shoves it in his pocket. Maybe if he does this Dan will miraculously finally reply to him, or at least call him back.

It’s been a couple days since their drunken night and Dan’s been avoiding Phil like the plague. Phil knows he fucked up, but Dan can’t possibly understand what’s been going through Phil’s head. 

There’s the fear of commitment and the fear of heartbreak. There’s the fear that he’s not good enough and that one day Dan will get tired of him. There’s fear of the future and not wanting to know what happens next in case it’s not good. 

He never wants to put himself in a position where he loses control of the situation, so he’ll never stay with anyone for long.

Somehow Dan became an exception. 

Phil isn’t even sure what came over him that first day in the bathroom. He was so angry and Dan was too, but he looked so fucking hot too. His cheeks were tinted red with anger and his hands were clenched tightly into fists. It made Phil’s heart speed up and swallow hard, though he doubted Dan saw this as he was too busy trying to hold his ground in front of the paper towel dispenser. 

Something came over him as he pushed Dan against the wall and Dan let out a groan of pain. When Dan fought back and pushed Phil to the ground, lips hovering just inches to Dan’s he was overcome with the want to press their lips together. 

Phil hadn’t felt that way about Dan since they stopped being friends. That was the first time in a long time that his chest burst to life and felt nothing but want.

And then suddenly they were kissing and dry humping, and then Dan’s got his mouth around Phil’s cock, and all of Phil’s feelings seemed to cement themselves into his heart.

From that point, Phil couldn’t stay away from Dan. He tried his hardest to keep his distance, to shove those feelings down deep so that he never had to deal with them again, because he didn’t want them. He didn’t want to deal with them. His relationship with Dan was complicated enough, he didn’t need these stupid feelings that could end up ruining them even more. 

But god, does Phil want Dan. 

He’s the last thing Phil thinks of before going to sleep, the first thing when he wakes up. His heart flutters when he sees Dan sitting at his desk in detention, biting his lip in concentration and left hand gripping his pencil as he does his homework. His throat runs dry at the thought of Dan on his knees, or hovering on top of him and fucking him right and good. 

Phil wants all of this with Dan, but he’s terrified.

He doesn’t want to feel trapped in a relationship. He doesn’t want to feel obligated to buy Dan presents during holidays and be monogamous because what if Dan grows tired of Phil? Phil doesn’t want to go all in just to get heartbroken. He’s smarter than that. He’ll never put himself in a position like that. 

He still feels bad for fucking Dan over last night. He was supposed to explain his feelings, and even maybe compromise with Dan. He wanted to apologise for making out with Stacy in the hallway when he told Dan that he probably wouldn’t be seeing anyone else. 

He was nervous so he had a drink to calm him down, but one turned into two, then three, then five and then suddenly he was calling Dan to come over to his house. 

Phil didn’t even know how to handle such an uncomfortable conversation, especially while drunk, so he did what he knew he could do best: sex. But once he sobered up, he still couldn’t get his words right and ended up hurting Dan more than he already was. 

Which leads to why he’s desperately trying to get Dan’s attention again. He wants to talk to Dan and explain himself. Maybe even talk about these scary feelings he’s been feeling.

He picks up his phone and clicks the lock button, silently hoping he got a message from Dan. He nearly loses his shit when the notification catches his eye.

 

**_New message from Dan Howell_ **

 

With shaky hands, Phil unlocks his phone, heart pounding as his eyes focus on Dan’s message.

 

**_Dan Howell:_ ** _i can’t do this anymore_

 

Shit.

 

**_Phil Lester:_ ** _Dan, give me a chance to explain. I made a mistake_

**_Dan Howell:_ ** _you keep saying that but i really don’t think you understand_

**_Phil Lester:_ ** _Then help me understand_

**_Phil Lester:_ ** _Come over please I want to talk_

**_Dan Howell:_ ** _i’m done talking. i don’t want to do this anymore_

**_Dan Howell:_ ** _in the rules we said we could opt out if one of us doesn’t want to do this anymore. i’m opting out._

**_Phil Lester:_ ** _What? Why?_

 

There isn’t an answer after that. Phil isn’t even entirely sure what happened. He reads their conversation over and over again, but he can’t make sense of it. He knows he fucked up, but did he really fuck up that badly? He didn’t think kissing that girl would cause such a ripple in their relationship.

Why was Dan so hurt over this? He’s kissed people before even during their agreement. Dan just acted like he always did, but he was always there for Phil in detention and he never once complained or seemed upset because detention was their place. What changed?

-

They’re both in detention when school comes back around. It’s their last week sitting in this hellhole, and Dan’s grateful because he isn’t sure if he could go longer seeing Phil’s face without wanting to cry. 

Dan really debated skipping it just so he didn’t have to see Phil again. He knew it wasn’t going to be a good day the moment he woke up. His heart felt heavy, stomach twisting and turning, hands shaking as he walked to school. He didn’t think he would even make it to detention because it really did feel like he was dying.

But here he is, alive — kind of.

He has his hood over his head as he sits in this classroom. He looks around in distaste, scowling at the chipping paint on the off-white walls. The door is a stupid navy blue, which Dan thinks is incredibly stupid because he feels like navy blue was a default colour for the door, like out of all of the colours, why the hell did they choose navy fucking blue—

Dan’s train of thought gets cut off abruptly when Phil slides into the classroom. Dan inhales sharply and looks down to his desk, gripping the sides of his chair until his knuckles turn white. This is going to be a fucking long hour with Phil sitting next to him, he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to make it. He’s going to cave and give into Phil just like he always does, and it’ll be fine in the moment, but once that moment is over he’ll go right back to hating himself. 

He can’t give into Phil. He has to be strong.

“Dan, can we please talk?” Phil asks the second the detention moderator leaves the room. 

“Nothing to talk about.”

Phil feels his lip twitch up just a bit at the familiarity of the situation. 

“There is. Why do you want to stop seeing me?”

Dan bites the inside of his cheek. Does he want to tell Phil the real reason why this is doing more harm than good now? Does he want to tell Phil that he’s in love with him?

Well, there’s not really anything to lose at this point. 

“Do you really want to know?” Dan asks, voice cracking and tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He bites his bottom lip to keep it from quivering, but it isn’t as effective as he wants it to be. 

“I really do, Dan. I want us to work out.”

They’re silent for a bit. Dan’s heart is beating fast, he can barely hear Phil over the thudding in his ears. He tugs off the hood from his head and wipes the tears from his eyes. He rubs his nose and turns slightly towards Phil. He swallows hard and he opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.  
  
“Dan, you’re scaring me,” Phil says quietly, moving in closer to try and comfort Dan. Dan silently just holds his hand up to stop Phil. He isn’t looking Phil in the eye. 

“You wanna know the reason why I want to stop?” Dan chuckles darkly, “Because I want to be with you.”

“Dan,” Phil tries to speak, but Dan’s shaking his head, continuing to speak and not letting Phil fit in a word.

“I think about you all the fucking time, even when I don’t want to. When I go to sleep, when I wake up, when you’re holding me and kissing me like I’m the only guy in the world. You made me feel special when I didn’t feel all that good about myself. 

“I know this was supposed to be just sex, but for some fucking reason I somehow got feelings for you even when you’ve been nothing but shitty to me. But these past few months have been great, and I don’t want you to be with anyone but me. I’m in love with you, Phil.”

When Dan looks up at Phil he isn’t happy with what he sees.

Phil looks like he’s just seen a ghost, face paler than usual and eyes wide with fear. Dan glances down and sees that Phil’s hands are shaking. Fuck, this isn’t good.

“Phil?”

“No, Dan, don’t say anything,” Phil’s voice is hoarse, and he runs his hand through his hair, shaking his head. He stands up, gathering his things before saying, “You’re right. We shouldn’t do this anymore. I think it’s best we stop.”

“Phil, wait, please,” Dan chokes, standing up too. 

“No, Dan. I- I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” 

He walks out of the classroom, not even making a second glance at Dan. 

Dan collapses back to his desk, putting his head in his hands. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> henlo i’m here on time for another chapter! we’re coming to a close and i just want to thank all of you for reading it and sticking with me! i hope you enjoy this chapter <3

Dan didn’t dare follow Phil when he left detention. He didn’t even say anything when the detention moderator came back and asked where Phil was. Dan couldn’t get a sentence out without wanting to cry all over again. 

He didn’t think that he’d ever experience another heartbreak from Phil. He never thought that Phil would hurt him this badly again.

But here he is, sitting in his own skin with feelings that Phil will never return. This much he knows now.

Is he really that repulsive that Phil had to leave the fucking room once he told Phil that he wanted to be with him? Did Dan really mean that little to Phil? 

The list of questions are endless, and they do nothing to help Dan feel better. He’s not fully in his head when he gets home. His motions are robotic as he eats the dinner his mum prepared, as he walks up the stairs to take a shower, and as he drops into bed with no intention of sleeping at all. 

And it doesn’t get better as the weeks go by. 

Phil now permanently avoids him, and they don’t do anything to provoke each other. Every time Dan so much as looks at Phil, Phil pales and looks away. Dan stopped looking at Phil all together when Phil started finding more girls and guys to hang on his arm. Dan wishes it didn’t hurt as much as it did, but he feels like this time it’s worse. 

Dan finds himself spiralling down, motivation lost, happiness nowhere to be found. 

He tries to find it lately around three am every night at a quiet part of his local part, when no one is awake and he can just pace and dwell and think. Think about how if he didn’t get feelings for Phil he wouldn’t be in this mess. He wouldn’t be feeling this pain in his chest, this ache and longing to touch Phil and to hold him. Part of him wishes Phil would look for him and that everything is okay, but he knows painfully that it isn’t. 

Sometimes he wonders what Phil thinks of this whole thing, wonders what would happen if just went to Phil and figured it out. Is Phil just as sad that they’re no longer in the same position that they were just a couple weeks ago? Did Phil ever have feelings for Dan too, but was scared so he broke it off impulsively? 

Dan was ready to go all in for Phil, but Phil drew back, didn’t even explain. Dan’s left to ponder the million and a half possible reasons as to why Phil was so harsh, why he seemed so afraid to even look at Dan after Dan told him how he felt.

-

It’s three am again and he finds himself standing in front of Phil’s door. He’s not even entirely sure how he managed to find his way here, but here he was, palms sweaty, heart racing, but shivering nonetheless. 

He could turn around and avoid this entirely. It is three am, if he knocked then he would wake Phil’s entire family. He can’t just text Phil that he’s outside because then Phil will never come out. This trip seems entirely pointless the more Dan thinks about it. 

He stands and thinks some more. A large part of him wants to talk to Phil. He _needs_ to talk to Phil. He needs to figure out what happened. 

But does he want to hear what Phil has to say, if Phil has anything to say at all? The message Phil put out is pretty clear: he doesn’t want anything to do with Dan. 

Before he can talk himself out further, his hand is lifting up and he’s knocking on the door. 

There isn’t an answer.

Dan lets out a breath and waits around for a bit just in case, though he doesn’t know what he was expecting. Everyone’s asleep and he doubts that anyone can hear his knock. This really was a pointless trip. 

He’s about to leave until the door opens, revealing a tired looking Phil, eyes rimmed red. 

“Phil? Are you okay?” Dan has to ask. Phil looks like he was crying, and a lot by the look of it. 

“What are you doing here, Dan?” Phil asks tiredly. His hand is gripping the door, knuckles turning white, desperately trying to hold himself together. 

“Answer my question first.”

“Leave me alone,” Phil says, biting his lip and looking away. 

“Not until you tell me.”

Phil opens the door wider, silently inviting Dan into his house. Dan follows Phil up to his room, trying his best to navigate through the poorly lit hallway. Phil gestures to his bed and Dan hesitantly sits down. Phil sits across from him, pulling a pillow to hug against his chest. Dan swallows, mind flashing to how Phil used to hold him like that post coital, and how he wishes that he was in Phil’s arms again. 

“Now tell me, Phil. What’s wrong?”

“Dan, it’s none of your concern. I cut the connection between us for a reason.”

“Then what the fuck is the reason? You left me high and dry, and with absolutely nothing to go off of. I have no idea what you’re feeling, and come to think of it, I never have! I always felt like it was just sex for you and nothing else, I don’t understand.”

There’s a silence that fills the room, making it hard to breathe.

Dan sighs, “Phil, say something.”

“I missed you, Dan.”

Dan doesn’t know what to say. The silence between them stretches longer than appropriate, and Dan really can’t come up with anything to say. 

Dan furrows his eyebrows, “But you said—“

“I know what I said,” Phil says harshly.

“I haven’t stopped loving you,” Dan blurts out.

Phil cringes, “Stop saying that! How could you possibly know what love is, let alone use that word on _me._ It’s too big of a word to use, and it should be used on someone you’re certain you’re content with. Someone you wouldn’t mind dying for or whatever shit people think love means. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not worth it, Dan. You don’t love me.”

Dan doesn’t say anything and leans forward, wiping a tear from his face before taking Phil’s head in his hands. 

They’re an inch apart and Phil’s breath stills. Dan’s eyes search for permission before closing the gap. Phil is confused, but tries to deepen the kiss, and soon they’re trying to find answers to unspoken questions through their kisses. Phil hopes that if he kisses hard enough, he’ll be able to understand everything. Dan pulls away before they go any further. He’s not making this mistake again. 

“I’m gonna give you room to think. If you need me, you know where to find me,” Dan says, planting one last kiss to Phil’s lips before leaving. 

Phil doesn’t even know what to think.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, i finally finished it guys :) it would've been up a lot sooner, but i recently moved houses and i didn't have wifi for the past five days.
> 
> i hope you all like the ending and that it tied some loose ends for you! thank you to everyone who has been commenting, and leaving kudos, and being so understanding and patient with my very irregular posting schedule. i have another cool chaptered fic in mind, so stay tuned for that.
> 
> i might write a bonus bottom!dan epilogue thing if you guys really want as well. i'm not quite ready to let go of this fic quite yet :,)
> 
> thank you all again so much for reading, and i hope you enjoy!

It’s been about a week since Dan last saw Phil, and Dan is scared.

He is walking to school when dark grey clouds start looming over him. It’s thundering and it keeps getting darker. Dan smiles sadly as he watches the sun slowly disappear.

Thunderstorms. Dan used to love them.

He loved the rain and the coolness of the drops when it hit his skin. He found it pretty how the lightning momentarily lit up the sky as if it were trying to give him some kind of sign that things will be okay. He loved the way the thunder would boom, giving the sky a momentary heartbeat, a symphony of deep sounding drums of comfort.

Now it just reminds him of sadness. Something about them makes him feel lonely. 

This, paired with the nerves of possibly seeing Phil at school, has him jittery, uncertain. The way things ended between him and Phil are a blur now and he has no idea where he stands. He thought he made it pretty clear on his feelings, but like he figured out a week ago, he has no idea where Phil stands. Phil hasn’t contacted him since, nor did he try to find him throughout the week. 

Dan tries to get through his classes as best as he can, trying to ignore the constant feeling of missing a step in his stomach. He feels kind of nauseous and by the end of fourth period, he’s ready to just skip it all together and just go home. 

It’s not like today will be different from any other day anyways.

He walks out, starting his way home. Thunder growls quietly and before Dan knows it, it’s raining.

“Fucking hell, it’s just my luck,” Dan mutters under his breath, putting his backpack over his head to save himself.

He’s almost home when he sees Phil pacing in his driveway. He nearly has a bloody heart attack. 

“Phil? What the fuck are you doing here?”

Phil is just as startled when Dan speaks. He’s shaking and shivering, and Dan can’t come up with a logical reason why Phil is standing out in the rain. He has a covered porch, what the fuck is this?

“Okay just listen to me and hear me out, please,” Phil says.

Dan nods, motioning for Phil to continue. 

“I am so fucking sorry, Dan. For everything. For ditching you and betraying you when we were best friends, and kissing that girl when we had something going on. I’m sorry for all of the times I made you feel alone when I knew that we didn’t have any other friends that you could go to. I feel guilty for doing this all to you. You really didn’t deserve anything that happened to you.”

“Then how come you didn’t come back to me and tell me? Why did we spend years hating each other and fighting each other when we could have just talked?” Dan asks angrily, his hands balling into fists. He tears his eyes away from Phil’s face when he realises that Phil’s on the verge of tears. He isn’t going to give his sympathy to Phil anymore, even if he so desperately wants to. 

“I was angry,” Phil says, his voice breaking. “When I left you there all those years ago, to the boys kicking you and hitting you, I felt guilty so I came back to you and tried to apologise. But when I did, you didn’t even try to talk to me, or hear what I had to say! I wanted to tell you that you mean more to me than this stupid reputation and that I’d do anything to make you forgive me again. I couldn’t stand losing my best friend, but you didn’t say anything to me. You blocked me out, wrote me off as an enemy, and never talked to me again. I couldn’t help but feel angry.”

“That’s still not an excuse for what you did to me all these years,” Dan points out, glaring so harshly that Phil nearly physically flinches at the look. 

“I know, and that’s why I’m apologising now. All this time we spent together lately, you know, cuddling, making out, having sex… It reopened feelings that I thought I threw away a long time ago.”

Dan feels like it’s as if the world stopped at this moment. The rain is still pouring down, loud and unfiltered, but he feels like it’s not even there. It’s just him and Phil, staring at each other in silence over Phil’s confession. 

“Your feelings for me?” Dan asks slowly.

Phil doesn’t do anything but nod. He’s terrified to look at Dan. 

“How long?” Dan pushes further.

“When we were 12, I think,” Phil admits, “It was so sudden. We were just sitting around and doing homework and your face was so concentrated. You were biting your bottom lip and your eyebrows were furrowed and your dimple was so deep. I wanted to kiss you then. And then from there I just couldn’t stop noticing all of these little things about you and liking you even more.”

“Then why did you leave me?” Dan wipes away the tears that are starting to fall down fast and freely. If Phil really did have all of these feelings about him, then why did he let those guys kick him? Especially when they were best friends and so close?

“I was insecure and scared. A few days before… _that night…_ I was cornered by them. They called me names, kept taunting me and teasing me about my feelings for you. They made me feel so dirty, Dan, like I shouldn’t even have those thoughts because it was so disgusting. I didn’t know what to do, so I gave them the satisfaction they wanted, and I really shouldn’t have. I’m so fucking sorry,” Phil explains, sniffling and wiping his tears every so often. 

Dan’s face softens. He can see the pain and heartbreak all over Phil’s face. Usually Phil is good with hiding his emotions, or at least schooling himself into thinking that it isn’t as bad as he thinks, but he can see that Phil’s now wearing his heart on his sleeve, opening wounds that he patched up a while ago. 

“What now?” Dan asks. He feels a weight lift off his shoulders now that Phil fully explained himself, and he finds all of his angry and negative feelings towards Phil dissipate. But now that they’re here, he isn’t entirely sure what to do now.

“I thought about what happened the other night. You said you loved me and after what happened between us I didn’t think I deserved to be loved by you, so I exploded. I don’t know if you still have feelings for me, and I’m going to admit, I’m terrified of the fact that you do and that I have these feelings for you too. But I don’t want to lose you again, Dan. That scares me so much more than having feelings for you,” Phil says, “So I want to restart. I want us to have a blank slate and rebuild our relationship. That is, if you’ll forgive me.”

Dan doesn’t even realise he’s crying until he’s wiping the tears from his eyes and sniffling. He’s sure he looks like a mess, with the rain pouring down on him, making him look like a wet dog.

“Are you sure you want to do that, Phil?” Dan asks.

“For you, I think I’d do just about anything.”

“You know you have to give up your reputation for me? No more fighting? I’d be your arm candy now,” Dan tries to joke, but the more he thinks about it the more he enjoys the thought. 

Phil seems to think about it for a moment. He stares at the pavement, watching the rain splatter on the floor. Dan’s face falls slightly when Phil thinks for a little too long. When Phil looks up though, he’s smiling widely and trying to hold back a laugh.

“Dan,” Phil giggles, “I don’t care about my reputation anymore. Just as long as I have you.”

Dan feels warmth burst through his chest despite it being cold and raining right now. He jumps to embrace Phil, wrapping his legs around him so that Phil is carrying him.

“I’m not that strong, Dan,” Phil giggles, centimetres away from Dan’s lips. 

“Just shut up and kiss me, Lester.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! feedback is much much much appreciated. i'm very nervous for this fic, but it's been a fic that's been an idea since the 28th of september and i finally got to write it! i'll try and update every thursday <33


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